Marriage Savers, installment 3

Here are a few things that Ryan and I together found to be valuable to our marriage.

3. Play together! Invest in activities that you both enjoy; be willing to give activities he enjoys a fair shake (like golfing!). My man really values ACTIVITIES. I really value QUALITY TIME.  So we put the two love languages together and focus on having fun!

4. When he does something that appears insensitive, assume the best about him. A couple of months ago we had this come up, where I was desperate for help inside the house and he knew it but he still did not come in and help. I was so angry and so hurt! I usually try to avoid assuming that "he is just being selfish!" but this time, well, it was the only thought in my mind. I was mad, Mad, MAD! And I let him know. It ended up exploding into a pretty heated argument (something we don't have too may of). The real shame is that it was yet another example when I should have assumed the best about him. My emotions got the better of me (shocker!). When I understood why he did what he did I felt foolish having made such a big deal about it. I was again reminded that Ryan deserves the benefit of the doubt. He does not purposefully leave me to flap helplessly in the wind. He has so many more pressures on him than I am aware of - extending him grace in these moments is the least I can do.

6. Smile when he gets home. Don't unload all the day's junk on him when he walks through the door. Just greet him with a huge dose of dignity and respect.

7. Surround yourself with people who support marriage in general, and who support your marriage in particular.

Penny for Your thoughts? (P90X part 2)

Installment two in this series on making a stronger marriage...

Ask your husband how he would like the kids to be raised.

What values does he want his kids to have deep inside them? Where does he want the family's top 2 or 3 "Big Rocks" to be? (being smart? working hard? faith in God? Grace of God? Good stewardship of time and money? Getting along with others? Sibling harmony? Missions awareness? Athleticism? Being beautiful on the inside? the list goes on and on...)

When I asked Ryan this, I really did not expect him to have an answer immediately. I figured he would need some time to think about it but as it turns out, he HAD already thought about it - I had just never asked. He was glad to be able to share his thoughts and honestly it was helpful to me to have a conversation about where I should (and should not) be focusing my efforts with the kids. There are so many wonderful things to focus on - and in the world of blogging and even in the church community there is a great deal of pressure to "keep up" with the star moms out there. But you are raising your kids with your husband, not with some amazing mom you look up to.

Then, when you ask him have a healthy conversation where the goal is for you to understand HIM on this. So long as his priorities do not cause you or the kids to sin, do your best to represent your husband during the day by making his priorities your priorities.

P90X for the Marriage: Fight Fair

Ok, first an explanation of the title of this series. P90X is this grueling exercise program that, if you stick to it for 90+ days, promises to give you the beach body you have always wanted. Its intense. Its painful. Its hard work. And, according to its creator, TOTALLY WORTH IT. While I am not convinced I will look like the ripped people I sweat with on that DVD series, can't help but believe I will notice some marked difference when I am through.

Working out consistently is not really all that much fun for most people. If you are a smidgen like me, you avoid the hard work of exercising and reach instead for a frosting-covered brownie when given the chance. It is hard to exercise our feeble arms and weak knees. It is even harder to do it over a long haul but that is the only way you will see results, right? (Yes ma'am.) You can't and don't expect to see tight abs after a week of an Ab Ripper DVD. You would never dare to run a half-marathon without spending some serious time on the pavement starting weeks beforehand.

You see by now the parallel I am drawing, right? The morsels I am recording here won't solve a broken or hurting marriage in a week, month, or even a year. But I am convinced that over a long haul the new "muscles" you have worked will start showing in the form of a strengthened marriage. Ryan and I will have been married for fourteen years this September. Some of the things I will bring up are new to me just in the past 18 months; others have been things I have focused on for five years; still others for a decade. So flex those muscles over the long haul - and get those expectations set appropriately!

Even the wisest, coolest sounding tips for marriage are empty caverns without the sustaining help of the Lord. If I were reading these tips and did not know the Lord or did not regularly depend on Him as my Provider and Savior I am convinced that I would fall on my face too many times to bother getting up again. (As it is I fall on my face plenty anyway!)  If you look to strengthen your marriage do it in the power of the Holy Spirit first and foremost. HE will give you what you need in the moment much more than any silly tip I offer here on this blog.

Without further ado, tip #1: Learn how to have a successful argument

If you have been married for more than 10 minutes you know that arguments come with the package. You can't put two humans in a house together and not get under each other's skin! One of the best things that Ryan and I have done for each other is give each other PLENTY of opportunity to practice resolving conflict. (Too bad that has to involve angry voices, adrenaline and boiling blood.)

Anyway you, as one of two grown-ups in the fight, should act like one. Don't make excuses in your head for everything you say in an argument. ("Well he's out of control - I will be too!" "He hit below the belt, now it's my turn!" "He brought this up, so I will bring that up!") Remember the reason you began arguing in the first place: it probably started out in some attempt to solve a problem. Do what you can to NOT escalate the original problem. Don't say things to your husband that you would scold your children for saying to each other.

Instead, begin to give your husband what you really want in an argument: You want to be heard, so make sure you get across to him that you "get" what he is trying to say (even if you don't agree, give him the chance to explain and communicate to him what you think you heard). Show compassion for his side of things.

When you know you messed up in some way, you want to be able to walk away from the argument with dignity (nothing worse than being shamed or made to feel worse than you already do), so give him dignity by not pushing-pushing-pushing until he "finally admits all" that he screwed up.

Any married person knows how to push their spouse's buttons and get them riled up; study up on the other side of that: what buttons can you push that will diffuse his anger and help him calm down? Wouldn't that be helpful to you? Do that for him.

There are lots of good books out there about conflict resolution and listening skills and such. If this is a real problem in your marriage for either of you, check out a book from the library on the subject. Add another tool to your toolbelt!

New series!

I am excited to write a new series in 2011. Last series was on parenting; this one will be all about marriage. I compiled a list of six "marriage strengtheners" last month. Today I shared them with Ryan and he added another six. It was fun to come up with this list together and now I am looking forward to getting it written as I have the opportunity.

I hope you enjoy it too!

15 Parenting Tips I Give Myself: Let Dad be Dad

Tip#15 Nurture a deep respect for your husband specifically as it relates to his role as father.

I will just be honest and say that I have been guilty all too often of thinking I know far more than my husband when it comes to parenting. The evidence I would point to? (And I point these things out with all sincerity and with as much respect as I can claim when formulating a somewhat disrespectful list of I'm-Better-Than-You-Are's.) For every 1 of his hours of parenting, I have 4; for every 1 parenting book that he has read I have read 8; for every 1 conversation he has had with another dad about discipline, I have had - well, I can't even count that one.

He would whole-heartedly agree that I am the PRDD (Parenting Research and Development Division) in this household. He actually prefers to default to what I know and have experienced when it comes to lots of parenting issues. The problem with me spending time down I Know All - You Are Clueless Avenue is that it goes no where good. My heart fills with prideful hautiness and disrespect toward by husband. Blech. So regardless of the fact that I have more information, experience and support, I must foster a deep and true respect for my husband who loves our kids as much as me.

Making this happen:

Pray for your husband, his fatherhood, his realtionship with the kids, and his relationship with the Lord.

When parenthood is new and fresh and frightening, allow him to learn how to be a dad at a slower pace than you are learning. You think about this child every.waking.moment. He works all day. And does not let milk down every 3.67 hours. And is not tending to every detail of every nap. And did not sprout "mommy ears" the morning of your child's birth. So be patient, kind, respectful and considerate, remembering that you and he will NOT, rather, CANNOT, learn parenthood at the same pace.

Let him have the type of relationship he desires to have with the kids. This might vary greatly from your idea of a perfect relationship between father and child. If you wonder what kind of relationship he wants, ask him. Let him talk and don't criticize. Encourage him, and don't sabotage!

Communicate a deep respect for this thoughts about all things, particularly when he comments on anything kid-related. You might initially think he is wrong on a point (and perhaps he is) but a respectful response does not include a quick "no" or dismissal. Respectful says, "I have never thought about it in that way." I have much work to do in this area. I am known for my quick "No."

Ask him what he would like to see you focus on  and make sure your priorities reflect his. I spend an enormous amount of time talking with other mothers, reading blogs and ruminating on how I will raise our boys - everything from how to get them to do their chores every day to how I will prepare them for college and the real world of pursuing the Lord. My tendancy is to come up with a wonderful idea, think of the 10 ways to accomplish that idea, decide on the best way, move forward with the brilliance I came up with and then - maybe - mention it to Ryan. Or maybe not. Like I said earlier, he prefers to defer to me with most parenting things anyway, so I can get away with this. But BOY does it get me into trouble in the end. Before I invest a mound of energy into my ideas, I have learned that I really need to get a clue as to what RYAN'S priorities are for the boys. I need to take the time to investigate what HE wants me to focus on and pursue those priorities first and foremost. EVEN IF IT MEANS DYING TO MY OWN PRIORITIES. The Lord honors a wife who respects her husband in word and deed. This has been the single most significant way I have gained great respect for Ryan as a father.

Oh, one more thing. Realize that progress in this area (especially if it has been an area of concern) is a long process. Don't strongarm your husband tonight trying to get him to tell you every parenting thought he has ever had. I can't imagine that conversation going anywhere productive in my home. Would it be different in yours? So do yourself a favor tonight and, instead, slip into something nice and light a candle in the bedroom. Atta' girl.

Turning 35

I have always said that I look forward to turning 40 because it feels like that is an age where people of many ages (perhaps not all!) respect your thoughts and opinions. I remember being 20 and in college, longing to be 40. OK, not LONGING but not dreading. Anticipating. Now that I am mid-way through my 30's I wonder if it will be all I have anticipated. I must be honest and say that I didn't much care for turning 35 this month. Really, though, it does not much matter if I like it or not. Thirty-five is here, and 40 is near. No amount of pondering will change that!

I listened to a John Piper sermon today that incapsulated one primary lesson I have been learning for the past decade. In speaking of Romans 12 (of course!), he made the point that what the world wants to see from Christian believers is ACTION. And MERCY is what will blow them away. Very simply, says Paul, "I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship."

Being a wife. Mothering children. These are extremely physical occupations: Pulling my head off a pillow to take a little boy potty at midnight. Wrapping my arms around a crying boy who is too upset to verbalize anything. Kissing a boy good night. Reading aloud another chapter of a book that delights a boy's ear and imagination. Tossing a toddler in the air. Changing the diaper of a squirmer. Cooking another meal. Bagging up groceries. Sweeping crumbs. Making sack lunches at nine at night. Offering up myself to my love. Packing and unpacking countless bags. Holding my tongue when my love arrives home later than promised. Offering a smile instead of scorn.

My wilingness to do these things has become less about "doing what I ought" and increasingly about and motivated by my love for the Lord. I desire to present every part of my body as a living sacrifice.

But it is not a "poor me" sacrifice. The verse disallows that! See it there? The sacrifice must be ACCEPTABLE to God. He is not pleased with a woe-is-me attitude. So I note that the change in me over this decade has NOT be an increased willingness to put myself last. The gradual change in me has been a real desire to see each opportunity as a way to use my body for righteousness - in order to glorify the Lord.

My ego-centric self would like to see a day when what I say and do is respected by all. But what rubbish it would be to long for and strive for such a passing reward. Instead, I will look forward to 45 and 55 and 65 and 75 with eagerness and with great hope that the Lord would increase in me the Mercies of God as I worship the Lord with every part of my body.

If you are interested in Piper's sermon (it was really great!) here is the link.

Getting My Priorities Straight

Can I pull my thoughts together long enough to make sense of what is spinning around in my head? I'd say the chances are 50-50. You be the judge (but please be kind...).

One overarching priciple that drives my parenting is this: What my kids learn in their growing-up years about respecting and responding to my and Ryan's authority will inform how they, as adults, respect and respond to the Ultimate Authority of the Lord. I want my little boys to grow up to be men who have hearts tender for the Lord - eager to please their Lord, ready to do hard things when asked.

Ryan and I agree on a lot of things. We agree foundationally on faith, politics, money, and on many parenting-related topics. But there are a handful of things that we don't see eye-to-eye on. None of these things are foundational Biblical truths but rather secondary and tertiary issues. For example, the methods we use to teach our kids how to respond to the Lord's authority. We both agree that our kids need a healthy and accurate view of God - we both desire that they place themselves under the Lord. But how we get there - we don't always agree.


My Ultimate Authority is the Lord, but the Lord has put me under my husband. The way I respond to and respect Ryan's authority over me is a direct reflection to my kids of how they should handle authority. It is also a direct answer to whether or not I submit to the God's authority. When I married Ryan, God placed Ryan over me. And every day after that, I must choose to come under him.

(I bet you just heard my audible sigh.)

I love Ryan. He is a wonderful man. And even being married to a wonderful man, this task is a difficult one. So often I have my own ideas. I have my own experiences to base my ideas off of. I have my own desires. And sometimes we just plain disagree on the best way to arrive at our destination.

Sometimes the way we differ is how we prioritize the various character qualitites we are building in our kids. What I think is priority numero uno falls much farther down on Ryan's list. How challenging it is to release my own priorities in favor of Ryan's. It is painful to even type that. I want to push my agenda and disregard Ryan's. But ultimately when I do that I have set myself outside of God's protection. I might have a great idea that God would otherwise smile at but if I am pursuing that without the blessing of the man He has given me I am wrong.

It is more important to remain where God has placed me - under the headship of my husband who will take responsibility for me at the judgment seat of Christ. When my flesh wants to go its own way, I can rest peacefully in that blessed assurance.

Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine. Oh what a fortress of glory divine!

Going On Ahead

I fall into a strong temptation as I peruse the blogosphere. Perhaps the scenario is familiar to you as well: I love reading about how some of you out there are running your lives. The details of how you home school, the descriptions of your family life, the . You follow a blog or six long enough and you really get a picture for the vision each family has. One blog that I love to follow is my friend Kristy, who home schools her girls. She and her husband are living their lives on a farm of their own making and have a strong passion for raising their kids to love and serve the Lord. Another blog I enjoy is Joy's. She and her husband are missionaries in Indonesia. You catch very quickly their vision for how they want to raise their kids and the specific values they are passig down. And then there are the random links I follow to other blogs on occasion, where I take a quick glimpse into the lives of people I have never - and likely will never - meet.

You might think that the temptation I am about to talk about is "spending too much time in the blog world." While that is something I must monitor closely, the temptation I am speaking of is much more sinister.

As a result of my own thinking, planning and praying (with the extremely helpful input from my blog community) I have a solid, Biblical idea of how to best raise up my four boys so that they will love and be effective for the Lord in all they do. I am so thankful for all the wonderful (really, truly WONDERFUL) ideas out there that have helped me form a vision for the kind of boys I want to raise - and how to do it.

"Ah," You say, "Why Jenne, I had no idea you were a single mom." Single Mom? What gave you that idea? Oh, I see that I HAVE given you that idea because that is how I am pursuing our family vision: as though I am the one to set it and pursue it.

In all my reading, planning and praying, I mistakenly consult the blogopshere rather than my husband! And as I march on ahead with what I believe to be "clearly the best vision" under which to raise these boys, I have marched right on ahead of my husband. Up until last week, Ryan and I had never even discussed this together - I had never asked him what his vision for our family is! I must have thought that a.) he could read my mind or b.) he couldn't possibly have a vision or c.) he wouldn't be interested in what the vision is (afterall, its my job to raise the kids anyway). Maybe it is a strong combination of all three options. Oh what a fool I have been!

You might not be surprised that the discussion came up as we were reviewing how baseball season went. We all had a lot of fun, but I was sharing my thoughts about how sports were not really going to serve to accomplish the goals "we" have toward raising these boys for the Lord. And my dear husband was quick to gently correct me. As he described HIS vision for our boys, I realized my foolishness. Please note that the point is not about who is right or wrong, or whose vision is better. I would have liked to argue with him that my vision is more godly than his. I would have liked to make clear to him how I have thoughtfully, carefully considered all that there is to consider. (And OOOOhhhh am I good at making myself heard in this arena!) But the Lord closed my lips and spoke to me loud and clear: I must begin pursuing Ryan's vision for our family. The nuances of that vision can be up for discussion later, but before I have any ground to stand on in such a discussion, I need to come under my husband's leadership. No more going on ahead of my husband - not even in the name of "godliness" because there is nothing godly about ignoring or failing to consult the head of the family.

I suppose you will find it ironic that all these thoughts were made clearer to me through a blogger who wrote this post by, yes, someone I have never and will never meet. Go figure.

Bitter?

Probably one of the hardest things to overcome in marriage is bitterness. When he has done things that have hurt you (whether he meant to or not) and you have stored those things your heart, bitterness takes root and grows. You may or may not recognize what you are feeling as bitterness but if you are angry or resentful of your husband, that is bitterness. The Bible says that we need to but away bitterness and put on forgiveness. (Eph. 4:31-32).

Reading through the book The Excellent Wife Martha Peace gives examples of what bitterness sounds like. Some of the bitter thoughts are so bitter "Oh, I am so thankful I haven't said that," I said to myself in pride as I read. However I was humbled when I read the contrasting "forgiveness" thoughts because they are hard to say! Have I gone so far as to say the forgiving things? Am I willing?

Here is a short list of what she calls bitter thoughts and the contrasting tenderhearted, forgiving thoughts. I appreciated looking through the list to recognize where I have allowed bitterness to take hold.

Bitter Thoughts

Kind, Tenderhearted,

Forgiving Thoughts

He doesn't love me, he only loves himself

He does not show love as he should

but his capacity to love can grow

I do so much for him and
look what I get in return!

I wonder if I can do something

differently to make it easier for him.

I can't believe what he
decided. How ridiculous!

Maybe he has information I don't have.

I can't believe what
he has done to me!

What he has done is difficult but

God will give me the grace to get through it.

He'll never change.

By God's grace, he can change.

He should have known better.

How can he possibly know?

I've never told him. He can't

read my mind

(from The Excellent Wife, p. 94-95)

I wrote much of this post in the 24 hours before church today. And I was doing a little bit of editing in the hour before we needed to head out the door. I had the opportunity right then to actually practice replacing my bitter thought: "I can't believe he pulled tools out to get mmore of that project done. Why isn't he helping me get the kids ready and in the car! Can't he see how much I am struggling to manage all four of them? (Plus I am blogging about something that he should appreciate!) Can't he see we are going to be late again?!" with a tenderhearted thought: "I know that he only has a few hours today to get this project done and when Sunday is over, he has 12 hour days ahead of him all week long. He is feeling the pressure to finish up today so he can focus on work - and Little League- the rest of the week. When I stepped outside myself and thought of him rather than myself, I found that I was really grateful for how hard he was working to complete that project. Had I focused on my needs instead, I would have caused unnecessary conflict that morning (not to mention made it diffcult for the both of us to enjoy church because of the fight we would have most certainly had).

By replacing my bitter thoughts with tenderhearted, forgiving thoughts I blessed THE BOTH OF US. As cheesy as it may sound, by thinking not of myself, I suddenly found myself so grateful for Ryan, so blessed by him. Only the power of the Holy Spirit can do such a thing. If you struggle with bitter thoughts I encourage you to seek the Lord in prayer and ask Him to help you. Martha Peace suggests making a list of those bitter thoughts word-for-word and then writing next to each a new tenderhearted, forgiving thought that you can rehearse instead (she also suggests literally burning the bitter thoughts list so no other eyes fall upon it). When you make it a habit to replace the selfish, sinful thoughts with God-glorifying thoughts it will become increasingly easy to do.

Challenged? I am!!

Book Giveaway coming...!

Ouch!

I shared with you earlier that I have been reading a great book on marriage. I am reading it REALLY s.l.o.w.l.y. Wanna know what is hitting me most?

Here is what I read today:

" 'Allison's' deepest heart's desire is for her husband to make her feel a certain way. Her desires are not necessarily bad. The problem, however, is when they become more important to her than a pure devotion to the Lord Jesus Christ. Whenever a wife sets her heart on her husband behaving a certain way, she will likely end up disappointed, frustrated, and hurt. A primary clue to recognize that a heart's desire has become an idol (something more important to her than delighting in and serving God), is that the wife is willing to sin in order to attain that desire. Instead of setting her heart on her husband, Allison's deepest desires should be the same as those of the Psalmist in Psalm 119. He desired, sought after, and longed after God with all his heart." (The Excellent Wife, Martha Peace, p65)


Possible Idolatrous/Lustful Desires
1. That my husband will be affectionate.
2. That he will anticipate my needs without my asking.
3. That he will give me compliments.
4. That he will make me feel special.
5. That he will not hurt my feelings.
6. That he will talk to me and share his thoughts and feeings.
7. That he will put me first.
(The Excellent Wife, Martha Peace, p68-69)

So, I won't say outloud which number is the one I struggle with most, but just know that my struggle is listed above!

Right Desires
1. That I may know God's Word and obey it.
2. That I may delight in Him.
3. That I may seek Him with all my heart.
4. That I may be pleasing to Him regardless of my circumstances.
5. That I may cultivate an attitude of joy and gratitude in what God is doing in my life no matter what my husband does or does not do.
6. That I may have joy in God deciding how my life and circumstances can glorify Him the most, that He can use me for His glory.
(The Excellent Wife, Martha Peace, p69)

Martha lists six things that we wives can do to set our minds on things above. Come back later this week and I will have them for you!

My Main Ministry: Ryan

I have been convicted lately to look carefully at how I am doing in terms of my marriage. I spend a TON of time thinking about how I can be a better mom but not nearly enough energy considering where I might improve my ministry to my husband.

I have a book on my bookshelf, The Excellent Wife by Martha Peace, that I read about 5 years ago. And I have known for a while that it is time to pick it up again and do a personal "check up." It is so interesting what stuck out at me five years ago verses what is sticking out this time. My initial read-through of this book gave me permission to follow and submit to Ryan, even when I thought I had a better (read: right) way to do things. I honestly thought that if I had a better idea than him, that it would be wrong to follow his lead... that I was supposed to "follow" my spiritual leader, so long as he was spiritually leading well. After reading the book 5 years ago, I learned that I needed to follow and submit to his leadership regardless of his ability to lead, and regardless of whether or not I had a better idea. This revolutionized my concept of submission in a really good way. I saw that it was not my responsibility to make sure we were doing the best thing. What freedom I found in letting that go!

In my current read-through of this great book, one sentence has really impacted me more than any other (so far):
God's will for every Christian wife is that her most important ministry be to her husband.
This is something I have known for a long time but it is sinking deep into my fibers this time. Am I running my hours, days, weeks, and months as though this is what I believe? What am I doing that communicates this truth? If I am doing something intentional to minister to Ryan, is it something Ryan actually values, or is it something I merely THINK he values?

I am convicted to answer these questions. I want Ryan to believe that he has no bigger advocate on earth than his wife; No more enthusiastic cheerleader than the woman he married.

Have you given this any thought? I know that for a long time I felt like I could not be the kind of godly wife I was supposed to be "because he...". I played a blame game, believing that my role was stifled when he did not fulfill his role. Martha's book reminds me that there is only one thing that keeps me from being a godly wife: my own sin. One sin I see I have committed over and over again is the presumption that God will help me even when I am neglecting His truth. Why would God answer my cry for help when I am using my tongue to cut Ryan down, or allowing my mind to dream what it would be like "if only..."

Martha's answer to this problem: Because God has so richly provided for a Christian wife in her battle against sin, she is without excuse. Her loving, merciful, and holy God has truly provided everything she needs to become a godly wife - to become the excellent wife that God wants her to be. And even when she falls short, she can be forgiven. 'If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness' (1 John 1:9).

I want my life and my relationship with my husband to glorify You, Jesus!

The Jump from 3 to 4 kids? Easy-Cheesy!

Lots of people are asking me the same question and I have pretty much the same response every time:

"So," they ask, "How is the adjustment from three kids to four?"
"You know," I say with a touch -too-much smugness, "It really is not that different."

Ryan - bless his heart - has heard me give that response a handful of times now and last week he piped up. "You know, Jenne, you keep on saying that things are not much different. But believe me - they are!"

"Really?"
"Yes. Really."
"Huh. I don't feel like I am more stressed or crazy." (Insert pregnant pause here, while Ryan waits for his dopy wife to connect the dots... He has been stepping up to the plate big time since Drake was born. I just can't juggle all the kids by myself at church, and I need help getting everyone loaded up into the car, and his help is critical now at bedtime, and...on and on. He is definitely picking up the pieces that I drop.)
"Uuh, I sure appreciate all the help you are giving me, Ryan."
"Yeah, sure. No problem. But the next time someone asks you that, you can't say that it is no different. It might not be different for you, BUT THAT'S BECAUSE I AM HELPING."

So here's a big shout out to my amazing husband who has quietly filled in the mother-gaps (and they are GAPING at times) while I have proclaimed that I can do it all with one hand tied behind my back.

Truth be told, I am on a sinking ship without my Maker and the man He gave me!

"Refuse to Bloom"

I mentioned earlier this week that my sister and her friend started up a cool new blog. It is called "Choose to Bloom" and it is all about encouraging others to bloom where they are planted: to take the circumstances you find yourself in and not just make the best of them, but find joy in them. Glorify God where He has placed you, and be thankful for the placement.

I was joking with her the other day that I had a "REFUSE to Bloom" day. And oh boy, did I ever. I won't go into detail, but it is sufficient to say that I was angry at my husband and it had been building for a solid three weeks. But, you know, I am pregnant so I was having a VERY difficult time discerning what the underlying cause of my anger really was, and if that anger was even defensible.

So in a fit of rage, I stormed out of the house (again) determined to discern. I really wanted things to get back to normal between the two of us so I wanted resolution and I did not want to argue about superfluous things. Its too easy to tangent into arguments that have nothing to do with the real issue - incidents from which you have built up ammunition. We end up fighting about things that don't REALLY matter and never really getting to the bottom line. Result: everyone is super mad, and nothing gets fixed.

And so I tried to make sure I knew what the main point of contention was. And one other thing I have learned in marriage: if I don't know what MY problem is, what MY unmet needs are, how can I expect Ryan to have a fighting chance to meet them?! Yes, knowing why I am mad is only half the puzzle. The other half is my ability to articulate to him WHAT HE CAN DO SPECIFICALLY TO SOLVE THE PROBLEM. My husband is a problem-solver, so if he does not have this critical puzzle piece, he gets pretty frustrated with me.

One thing that Megan said to me a long time ago about marriage is that it would be really nice if our husbands could read our minds, but they can't so don't act like they can. TELL HIM what you need. Don't hint around and then get mad when he doesn't get it. That's just not fair. She was not necessarily giving me marriage advice at the time, but it is something that really stuck with me and I have often times looked at marriage conflict through that lens: have I told him what I really need from him? And often times the honest answer I give back to myself is, "I don't even know what I need!" And so out the door I go, searching for discernment so that I know what to ask for that would really make a difference BEFORE I engage in a conflict.

So, it started out with my refusal to bloom - I was angry and was kind of enjoying the pity party I was throwing. I was really enjoying feeling sorry for myself. And even more so, I was revelling in the list of strikes I was building against my Ryan. Of course if you were to ask me, I would have said I was miserable. But really, I liked the misery. But I was not blooming.

Am I blooming now, after the conflict was dealt with and resolved? I think I am well on my way.

"I'm Not a Perfectionist..."

"...I just like things a certain way."

Bologna.

I heard a very wise woman speak today and she noted briefly about the woahs of her past perfection. My ears perked a bit. Before I go on I have to be a bit more accurate about myself, here (because that's what perfectionists in messy houses must do), I am not super super perfectionistic but I have these tendencies. (My husband is rolling his eyes now but I am pretending he just misunderstood my meaning.)

She said two really good things that I must record for posterity:

1. If you are so focused on results and go around re-doing what your children have done (refold the towel, re-sweep under the table, straighten up the not-quite-clean-enough-for-my-liking room, repositioning the silverware they set at the table) we rob our children of initiative. Why should they try when their "good enough" is not good enough? I will go a step further and say that we steal away their hope, too. Our kids want desperately to please us, even when they don't show it. And every time we pull out our perfectionism card, we have dashed their hope of pleasing us. So, again, why try. Knife to my heart!!

2. The second thing she said is that people stop helping perfectionists and instead heap more on them because they see them as ultra efficient at what they do. It is so true that people stop helping. I think the other reason that (husbands) stop helping is that we let them know our displeasures. I was tempted to exercise that principal (but did not) a few weeks ago when, in the morning I saw that the pan FULL of cooked vegetables from dinner the night before that I was planning on eating for lunches that week did not get put away after dinner. It took me only a moment (thanks to 10 years of learning how to be a decent wife) to recall how thankful I was that he HAD put all the other dishes in the dishwasher and cleaned all the other pots and pans. I shudder to think that a handful of years ago (or during any given pregnancy, Lord help us) that I would have "casually" brought it up to him. I decided I would rather throw away yucky veggies and have help again on another night. Good choice, girl. (And, no, that is not a pic from my house. Just a random google image.)

Now I will add my little two cents on the subject but this is about my son, who I see has the propensity to follow in my footsteps. He likes things perfect, and struggles when he can't get it just right. So it is all the more critical that I on-purpose show him that the definition of perfect is not "doing everything right." The definition of perfect is "complete in Christ." Everything else, for my perfectionist son, is "good enough." How fun is it that I get to influence him in that way (and how thankful will his free-spirited wife be!).

New Skin

I exchanged emails with one of my wonderful sister-in-laws and she was briefly sharing with me the adjustment that she is undergoing with the addition of her second little baby girl. Oh, how I remember how challenging it was to care for just one baby and myself. Then, when the second came along, i remember thinking, "Why did I ever think just ONE was tough?" That really is how life is for me: in each new phase of life, the Lord is preparing me for something bigger, more challenging, but also more rewarding. In light of her email, partnered with some recent news we got around our house, I got philosophical really fast. It was good medicine for my soul to put things in some new terms. I don't think she will mind if I share with you the words I wrote to her, as they could be an encouragement to others. At the very least, I need to read them a few more times, myself.

"Parenting and marriage, and LIFE really is a process of shedding the skin of our youth and replacing it with new skin that is more mature, less self-focused. And with each new phase of life, I feel like I shed another layer of skin and beneath it is revealed something more Christ-like. That newer skin is less selfish, more compassionate, patient, and persevering. I think of the kind of parent I was nearly 7 years ago, and the kind of wife I was ten years ago, and am so thankful for the work the Lord has done in my life.

"I honestly never like the shedding process, and I always think that the skin I have now is just fine, but on the other side of the process, when the painful shedding process is over and done with and I see what new thing Christ has done in me, the skin I newly find myself in is a closer reflection of how Christ wants me to look.

"In each phase, I have the choice to “lean into the wind” and embrace the challenge, in order to become the Mom and wife I am called to be, or I can wail against it and be blown away, leaving me embittered, resistant, and no wiser. I have to be honest that I often times spend too much time fighting against the change, wishing that I could somehow escape from the current parenting or life situation. But deep inside, I know that is not going to be the best for me or my family. So I lean in and embrace."

I continued in my email to my Sister-In-Law, "I know you are encountering situations that are exponentially harder than you have encountered in the past, but I encourage you to lean into it, embrace where the Lord has placed you right now and allow him to do a work in your heart and in your family. I really think that is why we are allowed to be parents: to grow us up. And we have all sat on the floor and cried right alongside a wailing infant and a tantrum-ing toddler. It is a miserable place to be. But God (I love those two words) will give you the wisdom for each situation if you ask for it. That has gotten me through so many endless days. I pray you will find the same measure of grace and help!"

Of course today I am looking with some trepidation at the new skin the Lord might be revealing as we face a new challenge in life. I am thankful for the opportunities He allows into our lives to show us that He is Faithful. I cling to the promise that the Lord will carry on to completion the work that He began in us.

Joy's Challenge

Joy in the Journey posted a great challenge this week and I am going to take her up on it. I encourage you to zip on over to her post and get equally inspired.

Here is the challenge I am accepting:

1. I challenge you to, every day for one week, write down 5 things that you are thankful for about your husband.
2. For one week, refrain from saying (with your mouth OR body language...this includes eye rolling) ANYTHING negative or unkind to your husband.
3. At least twice a day, speak words of kindness to your husband.
4. Plan and cook one special meal that you know you husband will love!