15 Parenting Tips I Give Myself: Be the boss the first time

Tip#3
Train your child to obey your words the first time.

Here are several posts to remind you how on earth to do this:
Teaching only obedience
Crack Down
Would you please just obey me?!
Helpful reference: Raising Godly Tomatoes. Whole book is online. Don't be totally spoon fed though: be a thinker as you read it.

15 Parenting Tips I Give Myself: Be the boss early

Tip #2
Introduce your authority over your child early.

I read somewhere that "waiting until the ripe old age of 2 or 3 is too long to wait." I have found great success in a child knowing what "no" means before they can run away from me. And before 16-18 months - before their will really kicks in - is the perfect time to train them to respond appropriately.

The threat to Throw

The arm is raised, the older sibling is flinching in anticipation of the hard or pointy or heavy object to make contact... He knows better. He knows (because this is not the first time he has struck this pose) that he is not to throw that lego on his older brother's head. Yet the arm is raised...

Oh Weston, Weston, Weston. What am I going to do with you?

I'll tell you. I will being NOW teaching him a principle from the New Testament: Sinning in your heart is the same to our Lord as sinning in action. "You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.' But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. (Matthew 5:27-28). Lucky for me in this case, my two-year-old is not too good at hiding what is going on in his heart. The devious two-year-old bodily pose and smirk makes his motive and intention clear.

And so before he has the chance to launch the lego, pitch the puzzle piece, fling the fire engine, or heave the helmet, my little guy gets a swat as though he has already committed the deed. Because in his heart, he already has.

A "Crackin' Down" Update

Ever wonder how its going with someones Newest Resolution To Change Their World? I thought I would let you in on mine (mostly because it is a successful one thus far and therefore not embarrassing to mention again). In the first post I told you I was not going to give warnings any longer. Do as you are asked the first time I ask (and all-the-way-complete the request) or suffer the consequences.

And the update is that it is working AMAZINGLY. I use the technique throughout the day, but the one area it has impacted me the most is getting ready for bed. The two oldest boys have responded in earnest, knowing (via a stinging bun or two) that they must heed my request. It comes at them with kindness and patience (oooh! its so easy to be that way when you only have to ask once!), and they delight to show me they can get it all done without being hounded ("Come on!! Get those jammies on! Did you brush your teeth? Are your clothes put away??"). Really, with two other kids to tend to (ages 2, and 2 weeks) I can't- CAN'T - spend a half hour tending to what should take seven minutes.

And thanks to The Crack Down I don't need to.

And now it is time to crack down on little Weston. He totally gets the notion of obeying. And he is actually pretty good at it... but he currently is testing the waters of non-compliance (read: ignoring Mommy completely). So The Crack Down trickles down to my baby, who is no longer the baby. And the area of obedience I will concentrate on for him is getting from the car to the house. We park the minivan in a carport and getting his outdoor-loving tooshie into the house with a baby carrier and diaper bag weighing down my upper extremities is no small feat. So I will use this scenario to teach and train him to Obey Mommy The First Time.

This should be fun!

Barack at Breakfast

It was an interesting conversation at the breakfast table with Davis when I told him that Obama won the election. We do not talk much politics (or any at all, yet) around the kids but Davis was aware of the election because a few small conversations happened at school yesterday and plus they had a chance to vote at school yesterday. (Obama won that election, too.)

It really is an interesting line to walk with the kids, when we do not like the authority placed above us… a new kind of example to set, a new layer of life’s complexities to reveal. If you would permit me to look on the bright side for a moment, these next four to eight years should be full of good parenting opportunities.

The Lord has allowed this man to be in authority over us whether we like it or not. It is important that we not praise this man and it is important - I believe - that we not show outright disrespect for him either. Even more critical, it is appropriate that our school-aged kid understand a small bit of why we did not vote for him. He will, afterall, be in the position to defend his beliefs at school today and in the future as well (he revealed to me that he voted for McCain because "he doesn't think killing babies is ok, and Naddy voted for him because she felt sorry for him because he was a soldier prisoner"). I tried my best to prepare him for conversations he might have at school that could lead him to show respectful disagreement. We talked about one good thing (first black president and the significance of that) and one bad thing (supportive of abortion) about Barack being our next president.

A seven-year-old mind can only grasp so much when it comes to politics but one thing he can grasp onto with great strength is how we, as parents, respond to an authority over our lives with which we disagree strongly. He can watch us pray for this man, he can watch what it looks like to disagree with an authority yet still show him respect, and he can watch us distinguish when we are to go against human authority (when that human authority asks or demands us to sin against God) and when it is appropriate to obey that authority.

I ended the conversation, telling him that "Two things are for sure, Davis:

• God knew a long time ago that Obama would be our President. God was not the least bit surprised at the election results.
• And God is still God. He is still in total control. So we can trust Him no matter what."

"I KNEW you were going to say that!" He responded.

My Picks: Best Books for Parenting, Compiled

Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Marc Weissbluth, M.D. If sleep is a struggle, or if you are afraid that sleep might become a struggle, read up on this book for sound research and (hopefully) great results. Great for a mom with an infant, or a mom with a child of any age that does not sleep through the night, has trouble going to sleep, or is not adjusting to their own bed, or any number of sleep-related issues going all the way up to the teen years.
Raising Godly Tomatoes by Elizabeth Krueger. The best book out there for godly instruction on the yearly years of child training. It is an excellent book for a mom with an 18-24 month old and beyond. One caveat that must be mentioned: She advocates keeping your children isolated from the world. The decision to do or not do this while your children are young is one that must be left up to how God leads your family. Regardless of what your family chooses, the help in this book is unmatched for its parenting advice.
Parenting the Heart of Your Child by Diane Moore. Great book for getting a big picture of the various stages your kids will need you to coach them through, as well as some tips for where you are now. Good for mom’s with 3-4 year olds and beyond.
“Don’t Make Me Count to Three!” by Ginger Plowman. An excellent resource for learning how to biblically teach, train and discipline our kids. Great for Mom’s with kids around 4-5 years old and beyond.

What are YOUR top picks?!?

I've Just Gotta Share! (free book give away!)

I have been reading Elizabeth Krueger's book Raising Godly Tomatoes and just picked up on some Wonderful Morsels of parenting help. Wanna glean from what I learned??


Emotional Issues in Children
I have three boys so I don't deal with much of a variety of complex emotional outbursts (usually we just deal with anger), but when I do I am never certain how to handle them. I mean, I am a girl, and I have emotions, and I know how powerful they are, and how difficult it is to work my way out of them...if its so hard for me, what can I possibly expect from my child?



Here is one thing she said: "It is not wrong to have emotions, but unbridled emotions are dangerous and potentially devastating. Adults who feel righteous indignation upon seeing the innocent suffer, or children who grieve the loss of a grandparent, act properly and nobly. But not all emotions, displayed freely, are good. Both the adult who loses his temper when frustrated, and the child who throws a fit to get his way, are equally reprehensible. Emotions are attributes of God Himself, engendered in us when He "created man in His own image". The challenge is not to eliminate emotions, but to manage them in ways pleasing to God and in accord with His image."


She goes on to explain what a disservice we do to our children when we do not train them to correct their thinking when their emotions get the best of them. When allowed to melt into a puddle of pity, sorrow, or anger, it only leads to incredible (and growing) self-centeredness. The Bible speaks only negatively about our selfish nature, and allowing our kids to wallow in their own pot of emotions denies them the opportunity in those instances to consider how others in the situation are feeling. She goes into great detail about all sorts of types of emotional outbursts (from genuine fear to sadness to defiant anger) and how she suggests handling them here. I have paid particular attention to the section on how to deal with a child that has woken up on the wrong side of the bed. (I can't wait to test her advice!!)


Note: she also has a lot to say about crying and whining and about temper tantrums, which she rightly lumps in to emotional issues.


Spanking, and Other Non-Controversial Subjects :)
This one debunked something I have wondered over long and hard: should we spank our children when they have hit. My gut has said yes, spank. But the fact that I could not put my finger on why that is ok bothered me enough to give me doubts as to whether or not I was on the right track. Elizabeth said it perfectly succinctly, so I will just quote her: "Beware of the popular definition of spanking as "hitting", deceptively implying child abuse when proper spanking is nothing of the sort. ...Any child can tell the difference between a just spanking and hitting. The simple, all-essential difference between hitting and spanking is this: Hitting is done in anger and it’s goal is injury and retribution. Spanking should never be done in anger, should never injure, and has the goal of training for the good of the child." Bottom line: whether your child has defied your direction or has slugged his brother, if you are spanking properly, your child will not be the least bit confused at the message you are sending in correcting their misbehavior. Carefully examine your thoughts and attitudes regarding spanking. If you have defined it even in part as hitting, examine your methods. Elizabeth offers many possible scenarios of wrong thinking, all of which gave me pause. Here is one I thought particularly useful: "With their hearts telling them to discipline, but society constantly making parents feel guilty about spanking, many have chosen the middle ground by purposing to use spanking “only as a last resort.” This is a serious error. When this practice is adhered to, what we wind up with are parents who hold off spanking until they are overcome by anger and frustration. Then they lash out in rage and vengeance. That’s never the proper way to spank. Not only is it cruel, and damaging, it is also ineffectual, as it shifts the issue from the child's misbehavior to the parent's lack of self-control. Those spanking in anger must examine their parenting to see if they have allowed misbehavior in their children to go too long uncorrected. Never defer spanking until you've lost your temper. Watch your children and correct minor disobedience and bad attitudes early, with a spanking if necessary, and you won't have to deal with the frustration caused by a child who provokes you to lose your patience and temper. Do not spank only as a last resort."


I cannot tell you how many times throughout the read of this book (and I am not done yet) I have had to stop and praise the Lord for the wisdom spelled out so thoughtfully and plainly in this book. I have also been forced to really look carefully at where I can make changes to significantly improve my parenting skills. I want every mom on the planet to experience the kind of encouragement and help that I have received.


So, at the risk of looking like a fool who thinks there are more people reading my site than there really are, I am going to copy JoyInTheJourney's idea and do a free book giveaway. (Think of how good your chances will be on my little site!) Anyone who comments on this post will qualify and I will send the winner their own paperback copy. Maybe even two people will win. All I ask is that you purpose in your heart to read it cover to cover. It's just that good. (Ming, you are first in line to borrow my copy.)


Good Luck!

Teaching Only Obedience

Installment One to whet your appetite for the Book "Raising Godly Tomatoes."

"...when (your children) are still small (teach only) one thing: that they must always obey (you)with a willing and pleasant spirit. When we start with just that one thing, we don't have to do much else. What could be more simple? Once your child understands obedience, everything else is pretty much taken care of." (RGT, p.19)

Where do I start? What do I train for first?
"It doesn't matter what you train for first. You are training your child to obey you agreeably, as he should. You are not training him to come, or to hand over a toy, or to sit still on your lap, or to do or not do any other individual task. You are training for obedience, and if you train for obedience, you won't have to train for anything else." (RGT, p.21)

And what about tantrums?
"...Any conflict over anything can, and likely will, turn into a tantrum if you suddenly begin insisting your untrained child obey you. That's GREAT! That's WONDERFUL! ...Look forward to the tantrums and other major displays of stubbornness and willfulness as opportunities to win a while war. If you win a few tantrum wars (and you must), the little skirmishes will just disappear, and so will the tantrums." (RGT, p.21)

So, how loud can I yell?
"No Yelling Allowed. When you correct your child, do not raise your voice. We've all heard parents who call, "Bobby? Bob... BOB... ROBERT! COME HERE RIGHT NOW!" When you do it that way, all you are doing is training your child not to obey you until you raise your voice...Wouldn't you like to be able to just use your regular voice? To just ask politely one time and get a positive, willing reply? Then train your child with that in mind... Call and instruct him in your regular voice. Do not call him twice if you know he heard you the first time. Get up and correct him if he doesn't respond promptly and correctly to your first call." (RGT, p.23)

And then she covers the importance of consistency... she defines it as "every time your child requires correction ,you get up and do it, remaining there to supervise and outlast until the message gets across." (RGT, p.24)

She was not always this kind of parent, so she takes you through the process she went through to get her kids to where they are now. This is just a portion of one chapter that I found wonderful. It just keeps getting better, and more helpful.

If you like what you read here, you better buy this book for yourself!

Toddler Parenting

Ok. I have raved about Marc Weisbluth's book on getting an infant/toddler to establish good sleep habits. And I have raved and raved about Diane Moore's book here and here, which is excellent for kids starting at about kindergarten age (maybe a touch younger). But there is a sizable age gap that MUST be filled. So, my next raving will be Elizabeth Kruegger's book "Raising Godly Tomatoes." I have actually mentioned her website once, in this post.



This book is the single best resource I have come across that teaches not only the philosophy of teaching a young child obedience, but it gives practical examples in short chapters that break child-training process down into bite-sized pieces.



She begins with teaching children at the age of 6 months or so - that is a great time to introduce mommy's authority and the concept of "no." That's when they are squirming at a diaper change, and with in months it is also when they are at least a bit on the move and touching things they ought not.



Her main emphasis in child raising is keeping your children close to you. She calls this tomato staking - where you can watch closely and be a student of your children, and can quickly correct problems before they become issues. I think this is great, but it is only fair of me to mention - and warn you - that she is a big propenent of limiting contact with the outside world and believes that just about any contact with "other children" is adversive - even at church. I will also humbly say that I am only raising 3 right now, and she has birthed 10, SO WHO AM I TO THINK I KNOW BETTER? I do know that for my family right now, having exposure to "the outside world" is just fine. And her thoughts on this subject by no means disqualifies her from giving excellent parenting advice. Honestly, she is a very wise, woman.



So if you are about the enter the age of parenting a child who wants increasing independence, or if you are in the thick of it and wishing you had more help, go check out her site, read up on Tomato Staking and Starting Early. I encourage you to purchase the book. It will be the best $15 you invest this month.

Stay tuned. I will whet your parenting appetite in the next couple of days.

And Speaking of my baby...

Weston is approaching the magical age of 18 months. He has been throwing little "mini-tantrums" for a handful of months already, but those were "fake ones" if you ask me. They gave me the opportunity to teach and train a little (like, for example, he knows what No means and how he is to respond to that command, he is learning that when he flops on the floor and cries when he does not get his way that it tends to clear out the room of specators and that he needs to come find me in another room so he can do it again. etc, etc.)

But like I said, those were practice tantrums. The real ones are just now upon us. Therefore, it is time for a refresher on child training. For all my kids I have relied upon the wisdom of Elizabeth at "Raising Godly Tomatoes," a website by a mom of "ten kids so far." Yah think she knows what she is talking about? Yeah, probably.

If you are having any trouble training your little one, I highly recommend a dose of her wisdom. I can't say I agree with everything she says, but much of what she says is peppered with incredible helpfulness.

Here is a quote that caught my eye today: "Enjoy your wee ones, but don’t delay discipline and training forever. It's perilous to wait until your child has reached the hefty age of two or three years old, as many of the so-called childrearing experts of today are now recommending."

Hefty age of TWO or THREE? What a counter-cultural idea!

She has great advice for training when you start early and when you start late, she addresses whining, sibling squabbles, and feelings. Her explanation of Tomato Staking is really good, especially if you have a particularly difficult child. She even has help for potty training.

One of these days I will get my "Obey Mommy The First Time" method up on this site. Perhaps another day, when I am not stuggling through first trimester morning sickness.

Bye!

Great Speaker

I got to hear Diane Moore today, the author of the book Parenting the Heart of Your Child. The morning was full - absolutely FULL - of wonderful nuggets upon which to chew. So that I don't forget what I heard, I am going to put a couple of my favorite nuggets here!

Whenever possible, when dealing with obstinant behavior, put yourself in the role of judge and jury. Do not put yourself in the place of lawyer (therefore giving - quite by accident - your child the same role). Its the difference between leaving the room or not.

An example...

"But I don't wanna clean my room!!!"

"I asked you to clean your room and I expect you to obey."

A judge and jury walks out at this moment (insert the wham! of a gavel here), reinforcing the fact that this case is closed. A lawyer stands in the room, arms crossed, inviting the other lawyer in the room to present his closing arguments.

When I leave, my child then has two choices: continue the defiance, or comply. And when I come back in the room and it is not clean, my next move is plain and simple to the both of us. He will not be surprised when I come back in and say, "I asked you to clean your room and you did not. You disobeyed mommy and now I will give you a spanking." (And, for the record, after the spanking the calm and collected question is, "are you ready to obey now?")

Obey. Honor. Exasperate?

It is my responsiblity to teach our church's "family sunday school" this week and our little curiculum book has me teaching Ephesians 6:1-3

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother (which is the first commandment with a promise), so that it may go well with you, and that you may have a long life on the earth.

Can you believe this is my verse? If anyone knows me, they know that this is my swan song for parenting advice. Well, actually, the thing I am actually known for saying is "obey mommy the first time" (swat-swat). (Please, no hate mail for the spanking reference...let's agree to disagree for the sake of the limited blog space available.) "To delay is to disobey" is another phrase my kids could repeat in their sleep.

There are two points in this verse that are eye-popping. First, children are asked to obey and honor. Those words are not synonyms. Oh no, sir. You can obey with your lips and legs, but be extrodinarily dishonoring. Visualize a teenage eyeroll and under-the-breath "What-EVer!" followed by the action you requested. Now you know what I am taking about (because you remember doing it, right). You may have obeyed, but there was no honor in it. And THAT'S NOT what God is asking of His children. Honor comes from the heart. Honor is in the attitude. So be careful, Jenne, that you don't find obedient lips accompanied with a dishonoring heart something acceptable.

Which leads me to the second brilliant point (God's brilliance, not mine), which is in the verse that immediately follows 6:1-3. Eph 6:4, struck a new parenting chord in me. **Warning fellow Cornerstone Sunday School families: spoiler ahead.**

It is hardly appropriate to teach the instructions to children without also including the instructions to parents. Verse 4 says this: Fathers, do not exasperate your children, but bring them up in the teaching and instruction of the Lord.

God, in his rich mercy, carefully included these instructions to parents. It demonstrates His deep mercy and compassion. He requires obedience of His children but he also knows our parental fallen nature. Our children are completely subject to our temper and flaws. Our children are at the mercy of Mommy and Daddy from the time they are conceived to the time they leave our home. I am deeply convicted that as I require my children to obey and honor, I must heed these instructions the Lord has for me and my husband.

Exasperation: Nothing you do is right. Nothing you attempt is understood. It is a hopeless place to be. How often do we, as parents, not take the time to bend down and look at the world from our child's perspective, with their limited ability to communicate, their short stature and inexperienced emotions? Truly, taking this bit of instruction "do not exasperate your children" to heart as a parent, requires thought, patience, and humility. Often enough, I think I know what's going on when one of my kids "disobeys." Sometimes I am right on. But sometimes I could not be farther off the mark. And when I am off the mark - when I assume the worst of my child in a situation - when I asked 8 times already to put shoes on and shoes still are not on - and assume discipline is in order I could be in danger of draining the hope out of my child. When all it would have taken was a glance around before the spanking to see that the shoes he was trying to get on were actually getting too small and his little muscles just could not squiggle the footwear in place nor could his youthful attention span outlast the task, I have exasperated him.

Thank you, Lord for revealing Your heart for the family: obedient children who honor their parents, and parents who are careful to display mercy, patience, and humility to their children. I am so thankful that You made our children to be vibrant and resiliant so that they can easily overcome the common mistakes You knew we would make when You decided to entrust us with Your most vulnerable creation.

For some book ideas on dealing with the heart issues, check out Ginger Plowman's book Don't Make Me Count to Three, and Diane Moore's book Parenting the Heart of Your Child. And for some great encouragement for those who struggle with exasperating the kids, I enjoyed Grace-Based Parenting, by Tim Kimmel.