I was re-reading my post "My Little Leaguer" and I was startled by what I wrote in my last paragraph. Do you ever go back and re-read your posts and think, "Heavens! That's NOT what I meant!!" My heart did NOT come through at all on this one.
So, it sounded like I was saying that I was so incredibly consistent, and so wonderfully prayerful, and am such a hard worker when it came to raising my Jackson. But honestly, what was in my heart when I wrote that was every failure, every frustrating day, every day that I did not have a CLUE what to do. I was remembering all the times I WASN'T consistent. All the times I gave in. And I was remembering, in the midst of trying to train him up, how I carried two of my babies to term, and how much of a louse of a parent I was during those months, and how much TV the kids had to watch while I was sleeping on the couch in the middle of the day, and how tired and grouchy I was...
And then (and only then) was I remembering that through the Lord's help (and the help of my sister and Lindy and a stack of books) how I kept on getting back on that horse, and did not throw my hands up and just give up. But it was not me who was faithful in all these years. It was my Lord. He was my Guide, my Help, my Source. He gently brought me back time and time again to training Jackson properly. He. He. He. Never me.
So, in case my horrible attempt at encouragement left a sour taste in your mouth, I hope that this clarification serves as a little bit of Listerine. Now, hear these words again: if you have a Jackson in your quiver, do not - do not - do not give up. Run to your Lord OFTEN for wisdom and strength. Knock on the doors of other moms who have done it before. Keep at the discipline (in order to succeed you must be willing to fail sometimes, too). Because there is fruit - beautiful fruit - in this labor.
Showing posts with label child training. Show all posts
Showing posts with label child training. Show all posts
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Sunday, March 22, 2009
My Little Leager
My heart absolutely swelled with pride Tuesday evening. Jackson participated in his first ever team sport practice. He is a coordinated kid, yes. And that's cool. But that's not what really made me well up with pride. What did it was his behavior. He paid attention. He was tough. He was patient. He listened. He followed instruction. He obeyed his coach.
I love this kid very deeply, and I am so thankful to be his mommy, but I have really been challenged in my parenting by this guy. Up until about four-and-a-half years of age, he has pushed in every way a toddler/preschooler can. He does not take "no" for an answer. His emotions are usually close to the surface, ready to bubble over (anger surfaced often). He has been easily distracted. These are traits that, if trained up properly, will bring him far in life because they seem to be signs that a person is persistent, thinks outside the box, and has great passion.
That is my Jackson. Persistent. Creative. Passionate. A Leader.
But all along the way, he continues to challenge me and make me wonder if I am doing ANYTHING right. Am I making ANY headway with this kid? Is he going to be a terror in the classroom next year?
But at that T-Ball practice I saw the fruit of all the prayer, consistency and hard work that had been poured into that little guy. So can I just say to you now that if you have a tough kid, don't give up. When you are in the middle of it, it feels like it is never going to end, but before you know it you will be at T-Ball practice amidst a pack of disruptive, spastic, kids and you will see the fruit. You will!!
No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. (Heb 12:11-12)
editorial note: I was re-reading this post and I was startled by what I wrote in that last paragraph. Do you ever go back and re-read your posts and think, "Heavens! That's NOT what I meant!!" My heart did NOT come through at all on this one.
So, it sounded like I was saying that I was so incredibly consistent, and so wonderfully prayerful, and am such a hard worker when it came to raising my Jackson. But honestly, what was in my heart when I wrote that was every failure, every frustrating day, every day that I did not have a CLUE what to do. I was remembering all the times I WASN'T consistent. All the times I gave in. And I was remembering, in the midst of trying to train him up, how I carried two of my babies to term, and how much of a louse of a parent I was during those months, and how much TV the kids had to watch while I was sleeping on the couch in the middle of the day, and how tired and grouchy I was...
And then (and only then) was I remembering that through the Lord's help (and the help of my sister and Lindy and a stack of books) how I kept on getting back on that horse, and did not throw my hands up and just give up. But it was not me who was faithful in all these years. It was my Lord. He was my Guide, my Help, my Source. He gently brought me back time and time again to training Jackson properly. He. He. He. Never me.
So, in case my horrible attempt at encouragement left a sour taste in your mouth, I hope that this clarification serves as a little bit of Listerine. Now, here these words again: if you have a Jackson in your quiver, do not - do not - do not give up. Run to your Lord OFTEN for wisdom and strength. Knock on the doors of other moms who have done it before. Keep at the discipline (in order to succeed you must be willing to fail sometimes, too). Because there is fruit - beautiful fruit - in this labor.
I love this kid very deeply, and I am so thankful to be his mommy, but I have really been challenged in my parenting by this guy. Up until about four-and-a-half years of age, he has pushed in every way a toddler/preschooler can. He does not take "no" for an answer. His emotions are usually close to the surface, ready to bubble over (anger surfaced often). He has been easily distracted. These are traits that, if trained up properly, will bring him far in life because they seem to be signs that a person is persistent, thinks outside the box, and has great passion.
That is my Jackson. Persistent. Creative. Passionate. A Leader.
But all along the way, he continues to challenge me and make me wonder if I am doing ANYTHING right. Am I making ANY headway with this kid? Is he going to be a terror in the classroom next year?
But at that T-Ball practice I saw the fruit of all the prayer, consistency and hard work that had been poured into that little guy. So can I just say to you now that if you have a tough kid, don't give up. When you are in the middle of it, it feels like it is never going to end, but before you know it you will be at T-Ball practice amidst a pack of disruptive, spastic, kids and you will see the fruit. You will!!
No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. (Heb 12:11-12)
editorial note: I was re-reading this post and I was startled by what I wrote in that last paragraph. Do you ever go back and re-read your posts and think, "Heavens! That's NOT what I meant!!" My heart did NOT come through at all on this one.
So, it sounded like I was saying that I was so incredibly consistent, and so wonderfully prayerful, and am such a hard worker when it came to raising my Jackson. But honestly, what was in my heart when I wrote that was every failure, every frustrating day, every day that I did not have a CLUE what to do. I was remembering all the times I WASN'T consistent. All the times I gave in. And I was remembering, in the midst of trying to train him up, how I carried two of my babies to term, and how much of a louse of a parent I was during those months, and how much TV the kids had to watch while I was sleeping on the couch in the middle of the day, and how tired and grouchy I was...
And then (and only then) was I remembering that through the Lord's help (and the help of my sister and Lindy and a stack of books) how I kept on getting back on that horse, and did not throw my hands up and just give up. But it was not me who was faithful in all these years. It was my Lord. He was my Guide, my Help, my Source. He gently brought me back time and time again to training Jackson properly. He. He. He. Never me.
So, in case my horrible attempt at encouragement left a sour taste in your mouth, I hope that this clarification serves as a little bit of Listerine. Now, here these words again: if you have a Jackson in your quiver, do not - do not - do not give up. Run to your Lord OFTEN for wisdom and strength. Knock on the doors of other moms who have done it before. Keep at the discipline (in order to succeed you must be willing to fail sometimes, too). Because there is fruit - beautiful fruit - in this labor.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Tattlers
Tattling, Davis hollers: "Maaaawwww - aaawwwwmm! Weston's not putting his binki's on his bed like I am telling him toooooo!"
It is true. The binkis are supposed to be on the bed, as a general rule. But I am in the bathroom, giving the 5-week-old a bath. Even if this WAS an emergency, I could not attend to it. It will have to wait, so I gave the standard reply, "Well, all you can do is encourage him to do the right thing, Davis. I will take care of the obedience a little later. Thank you!"
And that got me thinking about how important it is to focus attention on the importance of encouragement. ["Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing."1 Thes. 5:11] What a valuable skill we can give our kids if we are constantly teaching them and offering examples of how to encourage others. With sibling relationships, this is especially invaluable when you have one child who is a rule-follower, and another child that is a rule-bender. That rule-follower will be compelled to get others to follow rules, too, but the reality is that you can't MAKE others follow the rules. All you can do is encourage them. Humbly encourage them.
To teach my kids how to encourage each other, it takes some thought. I have to be an encourager. They need to hear me encourage them, and their siblings. And when opportunity arises (i.e. they are tattling), I need to be prepared to help them think up words they can say to encourage: "You might get in trouble if you keep jumping on the couch, Weston." "Mommy said we can't have a cookie. We better do the right thing and not take one." "I put my socks and shoes on, like Mom asked. Aren't you going to, too?"
I think this helps give a bossy kid an outlet. Seems like a bossy child is really a leader in disguise...one who likes to be in control of situations. And a bossy kid needs to learn and understand that ultimately their peers makes their own choices - right or wrong. They will choose to do the right thing, or do the wrong thing. To follow the leader or make their own way. To play cars or to read a book. What I really like about focusing on encouragement is that it teaches my control freak that his brother's actions are not his responsibility. All he can do is encourage and do the right thing himself - regardless of his brother's choice. It is not his job to make sure brother does the right thing. That is between the offender and Mom. And later it will be between the offender and God.
This is the freedom God affords us. We have a world of choices to make, and a miriade of influences on us when we make those choices. The Lord desires for us to do the right thing. But ultimately he allows us to sit in our poo, if that is what we choose. But it is when we are surrounded by the muck we put ourselves in that we tend to learn the most.
Tattling is not all bad, of course. Golly, sometimes that tattler's information is downright critical for a busy mom with "active" kids. Part of training a child to encourage is to also teach them discernment... there are times, like when safety is at risk, when only tattling is called for: "Weston is trying to feed the baby a marble!!" Thank you, child, for not quietly encouraging him to do the right thing and walking away. Tattle, Tattle, Tattle!! But binki's not making it on the bed? Not so much.
It is true. The binkis are supposed to be on the bed, as a general rule. But I am in the bathroom, giving the 5-week-old a bath. Even if this WAS an emergency, I could not attend to it. It will have to wait, so I gave the standard reply, "Well, all you can do is encourage him to do the right thing, Davis. I will take care of the obedience a little later. Thank you!"
And that got me thinking about how important it is to focus attention on the importance of encouragement. ["Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing."1 Thes. 5:11] What a valuable skill we can give our kids if we are constantly teaching them and offering examples of how to encourage others. With sibling relationships, this is especially invaluable when you have one child who is a rule-follower, and another child that is a rule-bender. That rule-follower will be compelled to get others to follow rules, too, but the reality is that you can't MAKE others follow the rules. All you can do is encourage them. Humbly encourage them.
"Preach the Word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage--with great patience and careful instruction." 2 Tim. 4:2
To teach my kids how to encourage each other, it takes some thought. I have to be an encourager. They need to hear me encourage them, and their siblings. And when opportunity arises (i.e. they are tattling), I need to be prepared to help them think up words they can say to encourage: "You might get in trouble if you keep jumping on the couch, Weston." "Mommy said we can't have a cookie. We better do the right thing and not take one." "I put my socks and shoes on, like Mom asked. Aren't you going to, too?"
I think this helps give a bossy kid an outlet. Seems like a bossy child is really a leader in disguise...one who likes to be in control of situations. And a bossy kid needs to learn and understand that ultimately their peers makes their own choices - right or wrong. They will choose to do the right thing, or do the wrong thing. To follow the leader or make their own way. To play cars or to read a book. What I really like about focusing on encouragement is that it teaches my control freak that his brother's actions are not his responsibility. All he can do is encourage and do the right thing himself - regardless of his brother's choice. It is not his job to make sure brother does the right thing. That is between the offender and Mom. And later it will be between the offender and God.
This is the freedom God affords us. We have a world of choices to make, and a miriade of influences on us when we make those choices. The Lord desires for us to do the right thing. But ultimately he allows us to sit in our poo, if that is what we choose. But it is when we are surrounded by the muck we put ourselves in that we tend to learn the most.
"But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness." Heb. 3:13
Tattling is not all bad, of course. Golly, sometimes that tattler's information is downright critical for a busy mom with "active" kids. Part of training a child to encourage is to also teach them discernment... there are times, like when safety is at risk, when only tattling is called for: "Weston is trying to feed the baby a marble!!" Thank you, child, for not quietly encouraging him to do the right thing and walking away. Tattle, Tattle, Tattle!! But binki's not making it on the bed? Not so much.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Cracking Down
Hopefully it does not surprise anyone reading this when they hear that since being pregnant and especially being in my third trimester, the discipline in the household has slipped "a bit." There are certain times of day when I have unwittingly trained my big kids to require much too much supervision in order for them to follow through with tasks. Getting ready for bed is a big one. So is getting socks, shoes and coats on and getting in the car.
So I informed the kids Saturday night that a new order was in place. With a calm, patient voice I explained that I will ask them once to get ready for bed and that I will not ask again. If I see disobedience, they should expect a spank rather than a reminder. The reality is that both my older kids are more than capable of getting themselves totally ready for bed but I have allowed them to be distracted, goof around, and take three times longer than necessary to get the job done. The end result, of course, is that I end up frustrated, exhausted, and raising my voice. It is generally a terrible way to end an otherwise lovely day.
And thinking forward a week or so, I know that I am not going to have "the luxury" of such close monitoring. I will be nursing, or bopping, or whatever, a little one. I will need my kids to be responsive to my voice at the first call. And I really need them to understand that non-responsiveness will not go well for them.
The really good news is that these past couple of nights have gone amazingly well. I remind them of the new way things are, give them their instructions and then ask little distractable Jackson (4 1/2) to repeat back to me what I have asked him to do. Both evenings he has been unable to repeat it so I feed him the words, "Jackson, say, 'I am going to go straight upstairs and getting all-the-way-ready for bed.'" I know he knows what his task is, and that gives me the freedom to follow through with the discipline if needed. And so far, it has not been needed (proof of their competence!).
It feels great to regain some control and expect of my kids what I KNOW they are capable of. With only days to go before delivery day, its about time!!
So I informed the kids Saturday night that a new order was in place. With a calm, patient voice I explained that I will ask them once to get ready for bed and that I will not ask again. If I see disobedience, they should expect a spank rather than a reminder. The reality is that both my older kids are more than capable of getting themselves totally ready for bed but I have allowed them to be distracted, goof around, and take three times longer than necessary to get the job done. The end result, of course, is that I end up frustrated, exhausted, and raising my voice. It is generally a terrible way to end an otherwise lovely day.
And thinking forward a week or so, I know that I am not going to have "the luxury" of such close monitoring. I will be nursing, or bopping, or whatever, a little one. I will need my kids to be responsive to my voice at the first call. And I really need them to understand that non-responsiveness will not go well for them.
The really good news is that these past couple of nights have gone amazingly well. I remind them of the new way things are, give them their instructions and then ask little distractable Jackson (4 1/2) to repeat back to me what I have asked him to do. Both evenings he has been unable to repeat it so I feed him the words, "Jackson, say, 'I am going to go straight upstairs and getting all-the-way-ready for bed.'" I know he knows what his task is, and that gives me the freedom to follow through with the discipline if needed. And so far, it has not been needed (proof of their competence!).
It feels great to regain some control and expect of my kids what I KNOW they are capable of. With only days to go before delivery day, its about time!!
Friday, September 26, 2008
It Really is a Privilege...
... to play unsupervised. This is just some food for thought, but it has been percolating in my brain for quite a while now. As we raise our kids - especially when they are in these early training, preschool years - we take an enormous amount of time to teach our kids how they should respond and react to other humans (and animals, too, I suppose!). When a child up and smacks his brother you have yourself a bonafide training opportunity to teach the offending child how to properly behave. And when little Susy can't seem to share even one dolly
in a pile of dollies and Emily responds by swiping one out of selfish Susy's arms, you again have happened upon an excellent opportunity to teach Susy about generosity and Emily about patience. The scenarios will undoubtedly resurface numerous times and your training and teaching will repeat itself. (Prepare to learn a new level of patience!)
But the only way to grab up these critical opportunities is to keep those kids in your sight. (It is hard to effectively teach when you are not certain of what caused the problem in the first place. Does Susy really need to learn generosity, or is it that Emily was using her brawn instead of her words.) If you have a good suspicion that leaving siblings or friends alone in a room to play together will result in some traumatic tear-filled episode, then one or both of those kids have not earned the privilege of unsupervised play. There is more teaching and training to do!
But the payoff is incredible, when you can leave a room and trust that the child or children left there will do the right thing most all the time.
When Jackson and Jenna were going through a stage where they got into naughty mischief whenever they were together (something not normally in either of their patterns of behavior) we had to rescind their privilege of unsupervised play and watch them carefully to correct them. The last thing we wanted was the two of them to establish bad habits of play that would stick around! After a relatively short amount of time of supervision we were able to re-establish the privilege. (Whew!)
The bottom line is that we humans have the responsibility to treat others in a certain way, and the big bad world teaches us that when we don't, we lose friends, freedoms, jobs, relationships (i.e. privileges). It is a grace we give to our kids when we apply that same real-world principle in our homes. Correct me if I am wrong, Tiffany, but that is a classic example of doling out logical consequences.
One little kiddo-caveat: When my boys were between 18 and 30 mos or so, I did a lot of "protecting and preserving" of sibling relationships. It is REALLY HARD when you are three or four years old to play with a two year old. They are destructive and lack an incredible amount of understanding. So in the interest of staving off the terrible and innumerable negative interactions between siblings, I frequently saved the older child from "the wrath of the two-year-old." And when that two year old does play with the four-year-old brother, they play under my close supervision. I can teach my older child patience and kindness when reasonable, but then when the younger one tries to trash the entire train track that the older one pain-stakingly built, I can quickly mitigate that situation by swooping in to the rescue. And as far as the 7 year-old interacting with the two-year-old, he has matured enough so that those two CAN play unsupervised. It is a beautiful thing.
Anyway, I encourage you to keep your kids close. Be close by so you can teach them over and over again what godly responses look like. It can be tedious and exhausting at times but you will not be sorry you took the time early on to train your kids in these character qualities.
in a pile of dollies and Emily responds by swiping one out of selfish Susy's arms, you again have happened upon an excellent opportunity to teach Susy about generosity and Emily about patience. The scenarios will undoubtedly resurface numerous times and your training and teaching will repeat itself. (Prepare to learn a new level of patience!)But the only way to grab up these critical opportunities is to keep those kids in your sight. (It is hard to effectively teach when you are not certain of what caused the problem in the first place. Does Susy really need to learn generosity, or is it that Emily was using her brawn instead of her words.) If you have a good suspicion that leaving siblings or friends alone in a room to play together will result in some traumatic tear-filled episode, then one or both of those kids have not earned the privilege of unsupervised play. There is more teaching and training to do!
But the payoff is incredible, when you can leave a room and trust that the child or children left there will do the right thing most all the time.
When Jackson and Jenna were going through a stage where they got into naughty mischief whenever they were together (something not normally in either of their patterns of behavior) we had to rescind their privilege of unsupervised play and watch them carefully to correct them. The last thing we wanted was the two of them to establish bad habits of play that would stick around! After a relatively short amount of time of supervision we were able to re-establish the privilege. (Whew!)
The bottom line is that we humans have the responsibility to treat others in a certain way, and the big bad world teaches us that when we don't, we lose friends, freedoms, jobs, relationships (i.e. privileges). It is a grace we give to our kids when we apply that same real-world principle in our homes. Correct me if I am wrong, Tiffany, but that is a classic example of doling out logical consequences.
One little kiddo-caveat: When my boys were between 18 and 30 mos or so, I did a lot of "protecting and preserving" of sibling relationships. It is REALLY HARD when you are three or four years old to play with a two year old. They are destructive and lack an incredible amount of understanding. So in the interest of staving off the terrible and innumerable negative interactions between siblings, I frequently saved the older child from "the wrath of the two-year-old." And when that two year old does play with the four-year-old brother, they play under my close supervision. I can teach my older child patience and kindness when reasonable, but then when the younger one tries to trash the entire train track that the older one pain-stakingly built, I can quickly mitigate that situation by swooping in to the rescue. And as far as the 7 year-old interacting with the two-year-old, he has matured enough so that those two CAN play unsupervised. It is a beautiful thing.
Anyway, I encourage you to keep your kids close. Be close by so you can teach them over and over again what godly responses look like. It can be tedious and exhausting at times but you will not be sorry you took the time early on to train your kids in these character qualities.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
A Rhetorical Morsel
One thing that can really trip up us moms is when our kids do things that bug us but we don't necessarily have a name for it. Its just those annoying things that they do that you know they shouldn't but you can't identify the underlying character issue. Like a sibling that constantly does things to purposely annoy another sibling. The thing they are doing is not overtly wrong but you want the behavior to stop and the best you can come up with to say is something eloquent like, "Stop annoying your sister!" Another area similar to this is when kids ask the same question over and over again, hoping to get a different, more favorable, answer from mom.
In most cases of nagging, it is very difficult to deal calmly with a child that is wearing you down. One way I have found to get the nagging to stop (aside from giving in) is to raise my voice, get angry and make my kids sorry they asked for the eleventh time. But ah-ha! I have found another rhetorical option. In this approach, you calmly give them a point of obedience, and if they disobey you, you can enforce it as you would enforce any other obedience issue.
Kids, at 9:30AM: "Can we have a treat?"
Mom: "Yes, you may. AFTER lunch."
(two minutes later...)
"Mommmmeeeee, can we have a treeeeeeeet?"
"I already answered that question. Do you remember what the answer was?"
Using these words takes a behavior that is otherwise just annoying and tiresome and difficult to discipline for and turns it around into a very simple obedience issue. Sneaky, huh?
In most cases of nagging, it is very difficult to deal calmly with a child that is wearing you down. One way I have found to get the nagging to stop (aside from giving in) is to raise my voice, get angry and make my kids sorry they asked for the eleventh time. But ah-ha! I have found another rhetorical option. In this approach, you calmly give them a point of obedience, and if they disobey you, you can enforce it as you would enforce any other obedience issue. Kids, at 9:30AM: "Can we have a treat?"
Mom: "Yes, you may. AFTER lunch."
(two minutes later...)
"Mommmmeeeee, can we have a treeeeeeeet?"
"I already answered that question. Do you remember what the answer was?"
- If they don't, then repeat the answer and then ask them to tell you what you just said (having them repeat the answer will cement it in their brain and give you the assurance that they have heard and will likely remember the answer next time they ask).
- If they do remember, have them tell you what the answer was and then praise them for remembering.
Using these words takes a behavior that is otherwise just annoying and tiresome and difficult to discipline for and turns it around into a very simple obedience issue. Sneaky, huh?
Sunday, May 25, 2008
I've Just Gotta Share! (free book give away!)
I have been reading Elizabeth Krueger's book Raising Godly Tomatoes and just picked up on some Wonderful Morsels of parenting help. Wanna glean from what I learned??
Emotional Issues in Children
I have three boys so I don't deal with much of a variety of complex emotional outbursts (usually we just deal with anger), but when I do I am never certain how to handle them. I mean, I am a girl, and I have emotions, and I know how powerful they are, and how difficult it is to work my way out of them...if its so hard for me, what can I possibly expect from my child?
Here is one thing she said: "It is not wrong to have emotions, but unbridled emotions are dangerous and potentially devastating. Adults who feel righteous indignation upon seeing the innocent suffer, or children who grieve the loss of a grandparent, act properly and nobly. But not all emotions, displayed freely, are good. Both the adult who loses his temper when frustrated, and the child who throws a fit to get his way, are equally reprehensible. Emotions are attributes of God Himself, engendered in us when He "created man in His own image". The challenge is not to eliminate emotions, but to manage them in ways pleasing to God and in accord with His image."
She goes on to explain what a disservice we do to our children when we do not train them to correct their thinking when their emotions get the best of them. When allowed to melt into a puddle of pity, sorrow, or anger, it only leads to incredible (and growing) self-centeredness. The Bible speaks only negatively about our selfish nature, and allowing our kids to wallow in their own pot of emotions denies them the opportunity in those instances to consider how others in the situation are feeling. She goes into great detail about all sorts of types of emotional outbursts (from genuine fear to sadness to defiant anger) and how she suggests handling them here. I have paid particular attention to the section on how to deal with a child that has woken up on the wrong side of the bed. (I can't wait to test her advice!!)
Note: she also has a lot to say about crying and whining and about temper tantrums, which she rightly lumps in to emotional issues.
Spanking, and Other Non-Controversial Subjects :)
This one debunked something I have wondered over long and hard: should we spank our children when they have hit. My gut has said yes, spank. But the fact that I could not put my finger on why that is ok bothered me enough to give me doubts as to whether or not I was on the right track. Elizabeth said it perfectly succinctly, so I will just quote her: "Beware of the popular definition of spanking as "hitting", deceptively implying child abuse when proper spanking is nothing of the sort. ...Any child can tell the difference between a just spanking and hitting. The simple, all-essential difference between hitting and spanking is this: Hitting is done in anger and it’s goal is injury and retribution. Spanking should never be done in anger, should never injure, and has the goal of training for the good of the child." Bottom line: whether your child has defied your direction or has slugged his brother, if you are spanking properly, your child will not be the least bit confused at the message you are sending in correcting their misbehavior. Carefully examine your thoughts and attitudes regarding spanking. If you have defined it even in part as hitting, examine your methods. Elizabeth offers many possible scenarios of wrong thinking, all of which gave me pause. Here is one I thought particularly useful: "With their
hearts telling them to discipline, but society constantly making parents feel guilty about spanking, many have chosen the middle ground by purposing to use spanking “only as a last resort.” This is a serious error. When this practice is adhered to, what we wind up with are parents who hold off spanking until they are overcome by anger and frustration. Then they lash out in rage and vengeance. That’s never the proper way to spank. Not only is it cruel, and damaging, it is also ineffectual, as it shifts the issue from the child's misbehavior to the parent's lack of self-control. Those spanking in anger must examine their parenting to see if they have allowed misbehavior in their children to go too long uncorrected. Never defer spanking until you've lost your temper. Watch your children and correct minor disobedience and bad attitudes early, with a spanking if necessary, and you won't have to deal with the frustration caused by a child who provokes you to lose your patience and temper. Do not spank only as a last resort."
I cannot tell you how many times throughout the read of this book (and I am not done yet) I have had to stop and praise the Lord for the wisdom spelled out so thoughtfully and plainly in this book. I have also been forced to really look carefully at where I can make changes to significantly improve my parenting skills. I want every mom on the planet to experience the kind of encouragement and help that I have received.
So, at the risk of looking like a fool who thinks there are more people reading my site than there really are, I am going to copy JoyInTheJourney's idea and do a free book giveaway. (Think of how good your chances will be on my little site!) Anyone who comments on this post will qualify and I will send the winner their own paperback copy. Maybe even two people will win. All I ask is that you purpose in your heart to read it cover to cover. It's just that good. (Ming, you are first in line to borrow my copy.)
Good Luck!
Emotional Issues in Children
I have three boys so I don't deal with much of a variety of complex emotional outbursts (usually we just deal with anger), but when I do I am never certain how to handle them. I mean, I am a girl, and I have emotions, and I know how powerful they are, and how difficult it is to work my way out of them...if its so hard for me, what can I possibly expect from my child?
Here is one thing she said: "It is not wrong to have emotions, but unbridled emotions are dangerous and potentially devastating. Adults who feel righteous indignation upon seeing the innocent suffer, or children who grieve the loss of a grandparent, act properly and nobly. But not all emotions, displayed freely, are good. Both the adult who loses his temper when frustrated, and the child who throws a fit to get his way, are equally reprehensible. Emotions are attributes of God Himself, engendered in us when He "created man in His own image". The challenge is not to eliminate emotions, but to manage them in ways pleasing to God and in accord with His image."She goes on to explain what a disservice we do to our children when we do not train them to correct their thinking when their emotions get the best of them. When allowed to melt into a puddle of pity, sorrow, or anger, it only leads to incredible (and growing) self-centeredness. The Bible speaks only negatively about our selfish nature, and allowing our kids to wallow in their own pot of emotions denies them the opportunity in those instances to consider how others in the situation are feeling. She goes into great detail about all sorts of types of emotional outbursts (from genuine fear to sadness to defiant anger) and how she suggests handling them here. I have paid particular attention to the section on how to deal with a child that has woken up on the wrong side of the bed. (I can't wait to test her advice!!)
Note: she also has a lot to say about crying and whining and about temper tantrums, which she rightly lumps in to emotional issues.
Spanking, and Other Non-Controversial Subjects :)
This one debunked something I have wondered over long and hard: should we spank our children when they have hit. My gut has said yes, spank. But the fact that I could not put my finger on why that is ok bothered me enough to give me doubts as to whether or not I was on the right track. Elizabeth said it perfectly succinctly, so I will just quote her: "Beware of the popular definition of spanking as "hitting", deceptively implying child abuse when proper spanking is nothing of the sort. ...Any child can tell the difference between a just spanking and hitting. The simple, all-essential difference between hitting and spanking is this: Hitting is done in anger and it’s goal is injury and retribution. Spanking should never be done in anger, should never injure, and has the goal of training for the good of the child." Bottom line: whether your child has defied your direction or has slugged his brother, if you are spanking properly, your child will not be the least bit confused at the message you are sending in correcting their misbehavior. Carefully examine your thoughts and attitudes regarding spanking. If you have defined it even in part as hitting, examine your methods. Elizabeth offers many possible scenarios of wrong thinking, all of which gave me pause. Here is one I thought particularly useful: "With their
hearts telling them to discipline, but society constantly making parents feel guilty about spanking, many have chosen the middle ground by purposing to use spanking “only as a last resort.” This is a serious error. When this practice is adhered to, what we wind up with are parents who hold off spanking until they are overcome by anger and frustration. Then they lash out in rage and vengeance. That’s never the proper way to spank. Not only is it cruel, and damaging, it is also ineffectual, as it shifts the issue from the child's misbehavior to the parent's lack of self-control. Those spanking in anger must examine their parenting to see if they have allowed misbehavior in their children to go too long uncorrected. Never defer spanking until you've lost your temper. Watch your children and correct minor disobedience and bad attitudes early, with a spanking if necessary, and you won't have to deal with the frustration caused by a child who provokes you to lose your patience and temper. Do not spank only as a last resort."I cannot tell you how many times throughout the read of this book (and I am not done yet) I have had to stop and praise the Lord for the wisdom spelled out so thoughtfully and plainly in this book. I have also been forced to really look carefully at where I can make changes to significantly improve my parenting skills. I want every mom on the planet to experience the kind of encouragement and help that I have received.
So, at the risk of looking like a fool who thinks there are more people reading my site than there really are, I am going to copy JoyInTheJourney's idea and do a free book giveaway. (Think of how good your chances will be on my little site!) Anyone who comments on this post will qualify and I will send the winner their own paperback copy. Maybe even two people will win. All I ask is that you purpose in your heart to read it cover to cover. It's just that good. (Ming, you are first in line to borrow my copy.)
Good Luck!
Monday, May 12, 2008
Teaching Only Obedience
Installment One to whet your appetite for the Book "Raising Godly Tomatoes."
"...when (your children) are still small (teach only) one thing: that they must always obey (you)with a willing and pleasant spirit. When we start with just that one thing, we don't have to do much else. What could be more simple? Once your child understands obedience, everything else is pretty much taken care of." (RGT, p.19)
Where do I start? What do I train for first?
"It doesn't matter what you train for first. You are training your child to obey you agreeably, as he should. You are not training him to come, or to hand over a toy, or to sit still on your lap, or to do or not do any other individual task. You are training for obedience, and if you train for obedience, you won't have to train for anything else." (RGT, p.21)
And what about tantrums?
"...Any conflict over anything can, and likely will, turn into a tantrum if you suddenly begin insisting your untrained child obey you. That's GREAT! That's WONDERFUL! ...Look forward to the tantrums and other major displays of stubbornness and willfulness as opportunities to win a while war. If you win a few tantrum wars (and you must), the little skirmishes will just disappear, and so will the tantrums." (RGT, p.21)
So, how loud can I yell?
"No Yelling Allowed. When you correct your child, do not raise your voice. We've all heard parents who call, "Bobby? Bob... BOB... ROBERT! COME HERE RIGHT NOW!" When you do it that way, all you are doing is training your child not to obey you until you raise your voice...Wouldn't you like to be able to just use your regular voice? To just ask politely one time and get a positive, willing reply? Then train your child with that in mind... Call and instruct him in your regular voice. Do not call him twice if you know he heard you the first time. Get up and correct him if he doesn't respond promptly and correctly to your first call." (RGT, p.23)
And then she covers the importance of consistency... she defines it as "every time your child requires correction ,you get up and do it, remaining there to supervise and outlast until the message gets across." (RGT, p.24)
She was not always this kind of parent, so she takes you through the process she went through to get her kids to where they are now. This is just a portion of one chapter that I found wonderful. It just keeps getting better, and more helpful.
If you like what you read here, you better buy this book for yourself!
"...when (your children) are still small (teach only) one thing: that they must always obey (you)with a willing and pleasant spirit. When we start with just that one thing, we don't have to do much else. What could be more simple? Once your child understands obedience, everything else is pretty much taken care of." (RGT, p.19)
Where do I start? What do I train for first?
"It doesn't matter what you train for first. You are training your child to obey you agreeably, as he should. You are not training him to come, or to hand over a toy, or to sit still on your lap, or to do or not do any other individual task. You are training for obedience, and if you train for obedience, you won't have to train for anything else." (RGT, p.21)
And what about tantrums?
"...Any conflict over anything can, and likely will, turn into a tantrum if you suddenly begin insisting your untrained child obey you. That's GREAT! That's WONDERFUL! ...Look forward to the tantrums and other major displays of stubbornness and willfulness as opportunities to win a while war. If you win a few tantrum wars (and you must), the little skirmishes will just disappear, and so will the tantrums." (RGT, p.21)
So, how loud can I yell?
"No Yelling Allowed. When you correct your child, do not raise your voice. We've all heard parents who call, "Bobby? Bob... BOB... ROBERT! COME HERE RIGHT NOW!" When you do it that way, all you are doing is training your child not to obey you until you raise your voice...Wouldn't you like to be able to just use your regular voice? To just ask politely one time and get a positive, willing reply? Then train your child with that in mind... Call and instruct him in your regular voice. Do not call him twice if you know he heard you the first time. Get up and correct him if he doesn't respond promptly and correctly to your first call." (RGT, p.23)
And then she covers the importance of consistency... she defines it as "every time your child requires correction ,you get up and do it, remaining there to supervise and outlast until the message gets across." (RGT, p.24)
She was not always this kind of parent, so she takes you through the process she went through to get her kids to where they are now. This is just a portion of one chapter that I found wonderful. It just keeps getting better, and more helpful.
If you like what you read here, you better buy this book for yourself!
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Toddler Parenting
Ok. I have raved about Marc Weisbluth's book on getting an infant/toddler to establish good sleep habits. And I have raved and raved about Diane Moore's book here and here, which is excellent for kids starting at about kindergarten age (maybe a touch younger). But there is a sizable age gap that MUST be filled. So, my next raving will be Elizabeth Kruegger's book "Raising Godly Tomatoes." I have actually mentioned her website once, in this post.
This book is the single best resource I have come across that teaches not only the philosophy of teaching a young child obedience, but it gives practical examples in short chapters that break child-training process down into bite-sized pieces.
She begins with teaching children at the age of 6 months or so - that is a great time to introduce mommy's authority and the concept of "no." That's when they are squirming at a diaper change, and with in months it is also when they are at least a bit on the move and touching things they ought not.
Her main emphasis in child raising is keeping your children close to you. She calls this tomato staking - where you can watch closely and be a student of your children, and can quickly correct problems before they become issues. I think this is great, but it is only fair of me to mention - and warn you - that she is a big propenent of limiting contact with the outside world and believes that just about any contact with "other children" is adversive - even at church. I will also humbly say that I am only raising 3 right now, and she has birthed 10, SO WHO AM I TO THINK I KNOW BETTER? I do know that for my family right now, having exposure to "the outside world" is just fine. And her thoughts on this subject by no means disqualifies her from giving excellent parenting advice. Honestly, she is a very wise, woman.
So if you are about the enter the age of parenting a child who wants increasing independence, or if you are in the thick of it and wishing you had more help, go check out her site, read up on Tomato Staking and Starting Early. I encourage you to purchase the book. It will be the best $15 you invest this month.
Stay tuned. I will whet your parenting appetite in the next couple of days.
This book is the single best resource I have come across that teaches not only the philosophy of teaching a young child obedience, but it gives practical examples in short chapters that break child-training process down into bite-sized pieces.She begins with teaching children at the age of 6 months or so - that is a great time to introduce mommy's authority and the concept of "no." That's when they are squirming at a diaper change, and with in months it is also when they are at least a bit on the move and touching things they ought not.
Her main emphasis in child raising is keeping your children close to you. She calls this tomato staking - where you can watch closely and be a student of your children, and can quickly correct problems before they become issues. I think this is great, but it is only fair of me to mention - and warn you - that she is a big propenent of limiting contact with the outside world and believes that just about any contact with "other children" is adversive - even at church. I will also humbly say that I am only raising 3 right now, and she has birthed 10, SO WHO AM I TO THINK I KNOW BETTER? I do know that for my family right now, having exposure to "the outside world" is just fine. And her thoughts on this subject by no means disqualifies her from giving excellent parenting advice. Honestly, she is a very wise, woman.
So if you are about the enter the age of parenting a child who wants increasing independence, or if you are in the thick of it and wishing you had more help, go check out her site, read up on Tomato Staking and Starting Early. I encourage you to purchase the book. It will be the best $15 you invest this month.
Stay tuned. I will whet your parenting appetite in the next couple of days.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
And Speaking of my baby...
Weston is approaching the magical age of 18 months. He has been throwing little "mini-tantrums" for a handful of months already, but those were "fake ones" if you ask me. They gave me the opportunity to teach and train a little (like, for example, he knows what No means and how he is to respond to that command, he is learning that when he flops on the floor and cries when he does not get his way that it tends to clear out the room of specators and that he needs to come find me in another room so he can do it again. etc, etc.)
But like I said, those were practice tantrums. The real ones are just now upon us. Therefore, it is time for a refresher on child training. For all my kids I have relied upon the wisdom of Elizabeth at "Raising Godly Tomatoes," a website by a mom of "ten kids so far." Yah think she knows what she is talking about? Yeah, probably.
If you are having any trouble training your little one, I highly recommend a dose of her wisdom. I can't say I agree with everything she says, but much of what she says is peppered with incredible helpfulness.
Here is a quote that caught my eye today: "Enjoy your wee ones, but don’t delay discipline and training forever. It's perilous to wait until your child has reached the hefty age of two or three years old, as many of the so-called childrearing experts of today are now recommending."
Hefty age of TWO or THREE? What a counter-cultural idea!
She has great advice for training when you start early and when you start late, she addresses whining, sibling squabbles, and feelings. Her explanation of Tomato Staking is really good, especially if you have a particularly difficult child. She even has help for potty training.
One of these days I will get my "Obey Mommy The First Time" method up on this site. Perhaps another day, when I am not stuggling through first trimester morning sickness.
Bye!
But like I said, those were practice tantrums. The real ones are just now upon us. Therefore, it is time for a refresher on child training. For all my kids I have relied upon the wisdom of Elizabeth at "Raising Godly Tomatoes," a website by a mom of "ten kids so far." Yah think she knows what she is talking about? Yeah, probably.
If you are having any trouble training your little one, I highly recommend a dose of her wisdom. I can't say I agree with everything she says, but much of what she says is peppered with incredible helpfulness.
Here is a quote that caught my eye today: "Enjoy your wee ones, but don’t delay discipline and training forever. It's perilous to wait until your child has reached the hefty age of two or three years old, as many of the so-called childrearing experts of today are now recommending."
Hefty age of TWO or THREE? What a counter-cultural idea!
She has great advice for training when you start early and when you start late, she addresses whining, sibling squabbles, and feelings. Her explanation of Tomato Staking is really good, especially if you have a particularly difficult child. She even has help for potty training.
One of these days I will get my "Obey Mommy The First Time" method up on this site. Perhaps another day, when I am not stuggling through first trimester morning sickness.
Bye!
Thursday, April 17, 2008
A Parenting Nugget
So, I will continue my ravings on the wisdom of Diane Moore, her recent talk at Mom to Mom and her book "Parenting the Heart of Your Child" with this little installment:
She talks about how to form health bonds with your kids. The image she showed us was a triangle cut into three shelves, much like you would see in a healthy food pyramid. Each of the three shelves has its own word:
Bond
Responsibility
Boundaries
"Bond" is at the top, smallest part of the triangle, and "boundaries" is at the wide bottom shelf. Her suggestion is that in order to create strong bonds with your kids, you must start at the bottom of the triangle and create boundaries. Lots and lots of healthy, firm, loving boundaries. This establishes a sense of security and safety, and also teaches the child how to create their own healthy, safe boundaries.
The next step toward healthy, strong bonds is to give the child responsiblities. This, I think, communicates to your child that you trust them with that responsiblity. Bonds then come quite naturally in an atmosphere of loving boundaries and trusting relationships. I have a perfect example of how this worked in our house just this week:
I have been feeling a bit under the weather lately and really needed some help from my oldest child (6.5yo) when it came to dinnertime. I have many times had my two oldest boys set the table for dinner but always have to walk them through every single step. What is more, my oldest is often times overly concerned that his younger brother is not doing as much as he is required to do, and "why do IIIIIIII-EEEE have to do it?" etc., etc.
One afternoon, when it was just the two of us for a few moments, I told him I had a new thing I needed him to do. "What do I HAVE-TA do?" was his slightly annoyed response. "Oh no, sweetie, you don't Have-ta, you Get-ta!" His countance changed immediately and he was interested, "What do I get-ta do?" "Well this thing is, like, a seven-year-old sort of thing. Do you think you can do it?" With puffed-out-manly-chestedness he said yes. I explained that his seven-year-old job was to set the table all by himself, without my help to tell him "next the plates...now the cups...now the napkins... Do you think you could do this?" The next night I had him draw what he thought would go on the table and we talked about that for a bit. The following night I set him to the task, telling him that he was on his own and if he needed help reaching anything (and he would) he could just ask me and I would gladly get down for him.
It might seem like a little thing, but handing over the full responsiblity must have communicated trust because he could not be more pleased with this task that he had previously complained nightly about. I was astonished, quite frankly, but I immediately recognized Diane's triangle. And when I was able to praise him for a job well done (never mind the few missing items - that was beside the point), he was all cuddles and sweetness.
Thanks again, Diane, for another nugget of parenting GOLD!
She talks about how to form health bonds with your kids. The image she showed us was a triangle cut into three shelves, much like you would see in a healthy food pyramid. Each of the three shelves has its own word:
Bond
Responsibility
Boundaries
"Bond" is at the top, smallest part of the triangle, and "boundaries" is at the wide bottom shelf. Her suggestion is that in order to create strong bonds with your kids, you must start at the bottom of the triangle and create boundaries. Lots and lots of healthy, firm, loving boundaries. This establishes a sense of security and safety, and also teaches the child how to create their own healthy, safe boundaries.
The next step toward healthy, strong bonds is to give the child responsiblities. This, I think, communicates to your child that you trust them with that responsiblity. Bonds then come quite naturally in an atmosphere of loving boundaries and trusting relationships. I have a perfect example of how this worked in our house just this week:
I have been feeling a bit under the weather lately and really needed some help from my oldest child (6.5yo) when it came to dinnertime. I have many times had my two oldest boys set the table for dinner but always have to walk them through every single step. What is more, my oldest is often times overly concerned that his younger brother is not doing as much as he is required to do, and "why do IIIIIIII-EEEE have to do it?" etc., etc.
One afternoon, when it was just the two of us for a few moments, I told him I had a new thing I needed him to do. "What do I HAVE-TA do?" was his slightly annoyed response. "Oh no, sweetie, you don't Have-ta, you Get-ta!" His countance changed immediately and he was interested, "What do I get-ta do?" "Well this thing is, like, a seven-year-old sort of thing. Do you think you can do it?" With puffed-out-manly-chestedness he said yes. I explained that his seven-year-old job was to set the table all by himself, without my help to tell him "next the plates...now the cups...now the napkins... Do you think you could do this?" The next night I had him draw what he thought would go on the table and we talked about that for a bit. The following night I set him to the task, telling him that he was on his own and if he needed help reaching anything (and he would) he could just ask me and I would gladly get down for him.
It might seem like a little thing, but handing over the full responsiblity must have communicated trust because he could not be more pleased with this task that he had previously complained nightly about. I was astonished, quite frankly, but I immediately recognized Diane's triangle. And when I was able to praise him for a job well done (never mind the few missing items - that was beside the point), he was all cuddles and sweetness.
Thanks again, Diane, for another nugget of parenting GOLD!
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Careful Words II
I mentioned in my previous post that I would tell you the most effective tool I have used in producing positive change in my four-year-old. Today I am making good on that promise.
I cannot take credit for the idea. Diane Moore, in her book Parenting the Heart of Your Child gave me the idea. (I sang the praises of her book in a previous post.)
In her book she talks about how to mature your children - what tools you need to concentrate on giving them so that they can move on the higher levels of maturity (from the selfish "it's all about me" stage, to a "it's all about us" stage, and on beyond to a "it's bigger than me" stage). She readily admits that many adults never do progress through these stages and can be stuck in the me-focused stage. Know anyone like that?
Anyway, there are two "handrails" you must give to a child to move across a bridge from the "it's all about me" stage to the "its all about us" stage. Those handrails are consistent consequences and random rewards. And they should be introduced in that order. Consistent consequences are given to starve a child's hope that they can 'get away with' poor choices. Random rewards "feeds the good hope that 'I will receive a reward because of my good decisions.'" (Diane talks about why consistent rewards are not nearly effective as random ones. Again, I encourage you to pick this book up and get the details of what I am talking about.
So, it was time for me to give my four-year-old the second handrail: random rewards. And Oh, how he embraced it! There are lots of ways to do it, but in our house, I came up with "The O Award." I catch one of my children doing something that I would like to see more of and I look at them in the eyes with my mouth in the shape of an "O" (as in "OH WOW THAT WAS GREAT!!"). I then tell my child exactly AND SPECIFICALLY what I caught him doing and reward him with an "O" shaped candy. One life saver, or one marshmallow, or one jelly bean (yes, somewhat less O-shaped, but never-the-less effective).
I remember when I first started doing these with my oldest. I wanted him to show more kindness (patience) to his younger brother. The first time I did it he was about four years old also, and he was BARELY being A TINY bit kind. But he caught on to it like wildfire. After that O Award, he hunted down ways to be kind. And I randomly rewarded him for it. It was like magic.
But I was unprepared for how magical it would be with my sweet and sassy middle child. He was blown away by the reward, and he immediately did a one-eighty. I mean you have never seen a kid change their approach to life so fast. And it is obvious to me, in light of what I am learning about hope, that he needed something to hope in. He gets in trouble a lot, and so there was previously a LOT of starving of the hope that "maybe this time I can get away with it." He's the kid that, when one morning we were too tired to get up when he did we let him get in our bed with us for 10 minutes. EVERY MORNING FOR THREE WEEKS that kid woke himself up earlier than usual to see if maybe THIS TIME Mom and Dad would say yes again. We never did say yes again, but it took the threat of a spanking before he was willing to give up.
Now, after introducing the O Award, he is constantly praising his little brother, very often hopping up with a "yes Mom!" the first time I ask him to do something, and frequently asking "are you gonna go 'O' ? Cause I obeyed quick-i-ly. Didn't I obey quick-i-ly?" "Yes little man, you did. And you never know when the next O Award will come, so keep it up!" I have given him more O awards in the past couple of weeks than I remember giving my oldest in a year. But that only goes to prove once again that these two kids are different (oh so different) and I must respond to their little personas in kind. No cookie-cutter parenting here!
I cannot take credit for the idea. Diane Moore, in her book Parenting the Heart of Your Child gave me the idea. (I sang the praises of her book in a previous post.)
In her book she talks about how to mature your children - what tools you need to concentrate on giving them so that they can move on the higher levels of maturity (from the selfish "it's all about me" stage, to a "it's all about us" stage, and on beyond to a "it's bigger than me" stage). She readily admits that many adults never do progress through these stages and can be stuck in the me-focused stage. Know anyone like that?
Anyway, there are two "handrails" you must give to a child to move across a bridge from the "it's all about me" stage to the "its all about us" stage. Those handrails are consistent consequences and random rewards. And they should be introduced in that order. Consistent consequences are given to starve a child's hope that they can 'get away with' poor choices. Random rewards "feeds the good hope that 'I will receive a reward because of my good decisions.'" (Diane talks about why consistent rewards are not nearly effective as random ones. Again, I encourage you to pick this book up and get the details of what I am talking about.
So, it was time for me to give my four-year-old the second handrail: random rewards. And Oh, how he embraced it! There are lots of ways to do it, but in our house, I came up with "The O Award." I catch one of my children doing something that I would like to see more of and I look at them in the eyes with my mouth in the shape of an "O" (as in "OH WOW THAT WAS GREAT!!"). I then tell my child exactly AND SPECIFICALLY what I caught him doing and reward him with an "O" shaped candy. One life saver, or one marshmallow, or one jelly bean (yes, somewhat less O-shaped, but never-the-less effective).
I remember when I first started doing these with my oldest. I wanted him to show more kindness (patience) to his younger brother. The first time I did it he was about four years old also, and he was BARELY being A TINY bit kind. But he caught on to it like wildfire. After that O Award, he hunted down ways to be kind. And I randomly rewarded him for it. It was like magic.
But I was unprepared for how magical it would be with my sweet and sassy middle child. He was blown away by the reward, and he immediately did a one-eighty. I mean you have never seen a kid change their approach to life so fast. And it is obvious to me, in light of what I am learning about hope, that he needed something to hope in. He gets in trouble a lot, and so there was previously a LOT of starving of the hope that "maybe this time I can get away with it." He's the kid that, when one morning we were too tired to get up when he did we let him get in our bed with us for 10 minutes. EVERY MORNING FOR THREE WEEKS that kid woke himself up earlier than usual to see if maybe THIS TIME Mom and Dad would say yes again. We never did say yes again, but it took the threat of a spanking before he was willing to give up.
Now, after introducing the O Award, he is constantly praising his little brother, very often hopping up with a "yes Mom!" the first time I ask him to do something, and frequently asking "are you gonna go 'O' ? Cause I obeyed quick-i-ly. Didn't I obey quick-i-ly?" "Yes little man, you did. And you never know when the next O Award will come, so keep it up!" I have given him more O awards in the past couple of weeks than I remember giving my oldest in a year. But that only goes to prove once again that these two kids are different (oh so different) and I must respond to their little personas in kind. No cookie-cutter parenting here!
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Careful Words
Anyone who says that motherhood is not a "thinking job" is sorely mistaken. There are the mundane tasks that keep a mother rather occupied, but the fact of the matter is motherhood requires a TON of thinking. My sister and I often rehearse various parenting challenges to each other over the phone. Some of it is a vehicle for venting frustration, but more often than not, we are digging to the bottom of a child's motivation, determining the status of their heart, and deciphering a deep need that is silently going unmet. So it is in the vein that I write this post.
My most challenging child, whom is not built like me, and whom I therefore have the most difficult time understanding, is the child I speak of today. I have been trying very hard to measure my words to him - each and every word, in order to deliver hope into his little life.
You see, he is my "YOU NEVER...! ...I ALWAYS...!" child. The one who melts in a pile of whiney, noisy tears when I tell him that indeed he may not have a dessert after breakfast. "AAAWWWWW! Then I'm NEVER gonna have a treat!" he concludes. Of course the tantrum-esch behavior only lands him in his room (of which he refuses to go), which leads to a spanking for disobeying mommy. All for one reasonable no to an unreasonable request.
So what's happening here is that the poor little dude jumps to the hopeless conclusion that if he can't have it now, he's never gonna have it. Hey, little fella! That's simply not true. But how am I going to convince you of that? Hope. That's what will convince him.
So I slowly begin to measure my words more carefully. The answer to a sweet treat after breakfast still must be no, but I can use this opportunity to deliver hope to this little guy. I deliver the good news first, and the bad news last: You CAN have a treat after lunch. What kind of treat do you think you will want after lunch?"
For the first many weeks of careful words, I don't think he found my words all that measured. He saw right through it and still heard the 'no.' But as I kept my promises, the hope I was trying to give him began to sink in. (By the way, lest you think this whole issue is about a sweet tooth, I will assure you that it has been systemic; the melt-downs came for all sorts of reasons.)
But I have saved the most effective childhood hope-deliverer for last. This one has single-handedly changed my little dude's perpective on good behavior and given him a new-found hope that has drawn him toward me, and given us a new connection. Stay tuned for the next post on this subject.
My most challenging child, whom is not built like me, and whom I therefore have the most difficult time understanding, is the child I speak of today. I have been trying very hard to measure my words to him - each and every word, in order to deliver hope into his little life.
You see, he is my "YOU NEVER...! ...I ALWAYS...!" child. The one who melts in a pile of whiney, noisy tears when I tell him that indeed he may not have a dessert after breakfast. "AAAWWWWW! Then I'm NEVER gonna have a treat!" he concludes. Of course the tantrum-esch behavior only lands him in his room (of which he refuses to go), which leads to a spanking for disobeying mommy. All for one reasonable no to an unreasonable request.
So what's happening here is that the poor little dude jumps to the hopeless conclusion that if he can't have it now, he's never gonna have it. Hey, little fella! That's simply not true. But how am I going to convince you of that? Hope. That's what will convince him.
So I slowly begin to measure my words more carefully. The answer to a sweet treat after breakfast still must be no, but I can use this opportunity to deliver hope to this little guy. I deliver the good news first, and the bad news last: You CAN have a treat after lunch. What kind of treat do you think you will want after lunch?"
For the first many weeks of careful words, I don't think he found my words all that measured. He saw right through it and still heard the 'no.' But as I kept my promises, the hope I was trying to give him began to sink in. (By the way, lest you think this whole issue is about a sweet tooth, I will assure you that it has been systemic; the melt-downs came for all sorts of reasons.)
But I have saved the most effective childhood hope-deliverer for last. This one has single-handedly changed my little dude's perpective on good behavior and given him a new-found hope that has drawn him toward me, and given us a new connection. Stay tuned for the next post on this subject.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
What's Next?
You ever wonder what is next in the parenting world? I mean, you know that after about 16-18 months of being in the world, until about age four, your kid needs to master the idea of submitting to authority (The Lord knows that this is an area we work on throughout our whole life, but those first few years sure seem to be critical for establishing this).
And you know that it will all be re-tested when your children hit those blessed teenage years. There, as it has been reported to me, you will re-visit nearly every lesson AND THEN SOME about submitting to authority. But what on earth fills that ten year gap? How do you know what to focus on in those years so that, hopefully, the teen years are not a war-zone. I have a theory that some teenagers go off the deep end because of the rather "quiet" decade that falls in the middle. Parenting perhaps takes a back seat, while busy-ness and extra-curricular activities are driving the train. Those activities are not to blame, I don't think. And I am not talking about "bad parents, " here. I am talking about any and all parents, actually. I really think that it is a time of parenting that is quiet by nature, but there are seeds growing quietly in your child's heart that bear fruit in adolescence.
I have run across a book that really helps to give a road map of how to prepare your child in this decade (well, I guess it actually includes the period before and after the decade too). The book points very solidly to the Bible as the guide and opens your eyes up to parenting nuggets in the Bible that I never before saw . I am wondering if there is any interest out there (moms) in meeting at my house every other Tuesday evening to discuss what we are facing, and what the book is suggesting.
The book is called Parenting the Heart of Your Child by Diane Moore (not to be confused with Tedd Tripp's book Shepherding a Child's Heart). If the book or author sounds familiar, it might be because she spoke at Mom to Mom a could of years ago. Tedd Tripp's book was done in an 8 week study group a few years before that, for whatever that's worth...both books are must-reads.
Drop me a comment if you are interested. I would love to see this happen.
And you know that it will all be re-tested when your children hit those blessed teenage years. There, as it has been reported to me, you will re-visit nearly every lesson AND THEN SOME about submitting to authority. But what on earth fills that ten year gap? How do you know what to focus on in those years so that, hopefully, the teen years are not a war-zone. I have a theory that some teenagers go off the deep end because of the rather "quiet" decade that falls in the middle. Parenting perhaps takes a back seat, while busy-ness and extra-curricular activities are driving the train. Those activities are not to blame, I don't think. And I am not talking about "bad parents, " here. I am talking about any and all parents, actually. I really think that it is a time of parenting that is quiet by nature, but there are seeds growing quietly in your child's heart that bear fruit in adolescence.
I have run across a book that really helps to give a road map of how to prepare your child in this decade (well, I guess it actually includes the period before and after the decade too). The book points very solidly to the Bible as the guide and opens your eyes up to parenting nuggets in the Bible that I never before saw . I am wondering if there is any interest out there (moms) in meeting at my house every other Tuesday evening to discuss what we are facing, and what the book is suggesting.
The book is called Parenting the Heart of Your Child by Diane Moore (not to be confused with Tedd Tripp's book Shepherding a Child's Heart). If the book or author sounds familiar, it might be because she spoke at Mom to Mom a could of years ago. Tedd Tripp's book was done in an 8 week study group a few years before that, for whatever that's worth...both books are must-reads.
Drop me a comment if you are interested. I would love to see this happen.
Monday, February 4, 2008
Obey. Honor. Exasperate?
It is my responsiblity to teach our church's "family sunday school" this week and our little curiculum book has me teaching Ephesians 6:1-3
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother (which is the first commandment with a promise), so that it may go well with you, and that you may have a long life on the earth.
Can you believe this is my verse? If anyone knows me, they know that this is my swan song for parenting advice. Well, actually, the thing I am actually known for saying is "obey mommy the first time" (swat-swat). (Please, no hate mail for the spanking reference...let's agree to disagree for the sake of the limited blog space available.) "To delay is to disobey" is another phrase my kids could repeat in their sleep.
There are two points in this verse that are eye-popping. First, children are asked to obey and honor. Those words are not synonyms. Oh no, sir. You can obey with your lips and legs, but be extrodinarily dishonoring. Visualize a teenage eyeroll and under-the-breath "What-EVer!" followed by the action you requested. Now you know what I am taking about (because you remember doing it, right). You may have obeyed, but there was no honor in it. And THAT'S NOT what God is asking of His children. Honor comes from the heart. Honor is in the attitude. So be careful, Jenne, that you don't find obedient lips accompanied with a dishonoring heart something acceptable.
Which leads me to the second brilliant point (God's brilliance, not mine), which is in the verse that immediately follows 6:1-3. Eph 6:4, struck a new parenting chord in me. **Warning fellow Cornerstone Sunday School families: spoiler ahead.**
It is hardly appropriate to teach the instructions to children without also including the instructions to parents. Verse 4 says this: Fathers, do not exasperate your children, but bring them up in the teaching and instruction of the Lord.
God, in his rich mercy, carefully included these instructions to parents. It demonstrates His deep mercy and compassion. He requires obedience of His children but he also knows our parental fallen nature. Our children are completely subject to our temper and flaws. Our children are at the mercy of Mommy and Daddy from the time they are conceived to the time they leave our home. I am deeply convicted that as I require my children to obey and honor, I must heed these instructions the Lord has for me and my husband.
Exasperation: Nothing you do is right. Nothing you attempt is understood. It is a hopeless place to be. How often do we, as parents, not take the time to bend down and look at the world from our child's perspective, with their limited ability to communicate, their short stature and inexperienced emotions? Truly, taking this bit of instruction "do not exasperate your children" to heart as a parent, requires thought, patience, and humility. Often enough, I think I know what's going on when one of my kids "disobeys." Sometimes I am right on. But sometimes I could not be farther off the mark. And when I am off the mark - when I assume the worst of my child in a situation - when I asked 8 times already to put shoes on and shoes still are not on - and assume discipline is in order I could be in danger of draining the hope out of my child. When all it would have taken was a glance around before the spanking to see that the shoes he was trying to get on were actually getting too small and his little muscles just could not squiggle the footwear in place nor could his youthful attention span outlast the task, I have exasperated him.
Thank you, Lord for revealing Your heart for the family: obedient children who honor their parents, and parents who are careful to display mercy, patience, and humility to their children. I am so thankful that You made our children to be vibrant and resiliant so that they can easily overcome the common mistakes You knew we would make when You decided to entrust us with Your most vulnerable creation.
For some book ideas on dealing with the heart issues, check out Ginger Plowman's book Don't Make Me Count to Three, and Diane Moore's book Parenting the Heart of Your Child. And for some great encouragement for those who struggle with exasperating the kids, I enjoyed Grace-Based Parenting, by Tim Kimmel.
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother (which is the first commandment with a promise), so that it may go well with you, and that you may have a long life on the earth.
Can you believe this is my verse? If anyone knows me, they know that this is my swan song for parenting advice. Well, actually, the thing I am actually known for saying is "obey mommy the first time" (swat-swat). (Please, no hate mail for the spanking reference...let's agree to disagree for the sake of the limited blog space available.) "To delay is to disobey" is another phrase my kids could repeat in their sleep.
There are two points in this verse that are eye-popping. First, children are asked to obey and honor. Those words are not synonyms. Oh no, sir. You can obey with your lips and legs, but be extrodinarily dishonoring. Visualize a teenage eyeroll and under-the-breath "What-EVer!" followed by the action you requested. Now you know what I am taking about (because you remember doing it, right). You may have obeyed, but there was no honor in it. And THAT'S NOT what God is asking of His children. Honor comes from the heart. Honor is in the attitude. So be careful, Jenne, that you don't find obedient lips accompanied with a dishonoring heart something acceptable.
Which leads me to the second brilliant point (God's brilliance, not mine), which is in the verse that immediately follows 6:1-3. Eph 6:4, struck a new parenting chord in me. **Warning fellow Cornerstone Sunday School families: spoiler ahead.**
It is hardly appropriate to teach the instructions to children without also including the instructions to parents. Verse 4 says this: Fathers, do not exasperate your children, but bring them up in the teaching and instruction of the Lord.
God, in his rich mercy, carefully included these instructions to parents. It demonstrates His deep mercy and compassion. He requires obedience of His children but he also knows our parental fallen nature. Our children are completely subject to our temper and flaws. Our children are at the mercy of Mommy and Daddy from the time they are conceived to the time they leave our home. I am deeply convicted that as I require my children to obey and honor, I must heed these instructions the Lord has for me and my husband.
Exasperation: Nothing you do is right. Nothing you attempt is understood. It is a hopeless place to be. How often do we, as parents, not take the time to bend down and look at the world from our child's perspective, with their limited ability to communicate, their short stature and inexperienced emotions? Truly, taking this bit of instruction "do not exasperate your children" to heart as a parent, requires thought, patience, and humility. Often enough, I think I know what's going on when one of my kids "disobeys." Sometimes I am right on. But sometimes I could not be farther off the mark. And when I am off the mark - when I assume the worst of my child in a situation - when I asked 8 times already to put shoes on and shoes still are not on - and assume discipline is in order I could be in danger of draining the hope out of my child. When all it would have taken was a glance around before the spanking to see that the shoes he was trying to get on were actually getting too small and his little muscles just could not squiggle the footwear in place nor could his youthful attention span outlast the task, I have exasperated him.
Thank you, Lord for revealing Your heart for the family: obedient children who honor their parents, and parents who are careful to display mercy, patience, and humility to their children. I am so thankful that You made our children to be vibrant and resiliant so that they can easily overcome the common mistakes You knew we would make when You decided to entrust us with Your most vulnerable creation.
For some book ideas on dealing with the heart issues, check out Ginger Plowman's book Don't Make Me Count to Three, and Diane Moore's book Parenting the Heart of Your Child. And for some great encouragement for those who struggle with exasperating the kids, I enjoyed Grace-Based Parenting, by Tim Kimmel.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Embracing Privileges
I want to raise boys that will grow up to be men that are serious about taking care of their responsibilities - their family being the first and foremost on that list. So we talk a lot about taking care of our responsibilities before we enjoy our privileges.
My big boys have long outgrown naps so after lunch in our house we set to our afternoon responsibilities (in the summer, when school is out, there will be morning ones as well). Every day we pick up all the toys that have collected, we put out that days' recycling, we feed the cat, we practice the verse we are working on for the week, and we sit down and read the Bible together. I also come up with one "extra chore" that each big boy does. (for example, wiping down the glass coffee table, wiping the sliding glass door, dragging the laundry basket to the utility room (or many other laundry tasks), wiping toothpaste from the sink, sweeping our wood-floor stairs, cleaning garbage and junk out of the car, and on and on...) The whole process takes about 30 minutes. My six year old is completely independant in his tasks now, and my three-year-old is becoming more independant each week.
It does take some thinking, but it is paying off, as my boys are actually becoming helpful. It has been an incredible opportunity for training, as the boys learn how to do many useful things around the house. It is also a built-in accountability for me because I see it as a time to take care of my household responsibilities too (like I can take care of them all in 30 minutes! Ha!).
Another concept that the kids are seeing is that I, too, am adhering to this principle. I have answered many of their requests to play with me with a "let me just finish this responsibility, and then I can." There is great freedom in this, because the kids get it (most of the time) that I need to take care of things. And on the other side of it, I am being purposeful to end my task in a timely manner and enjoy the privilege of reading to, or playing a bit of basketball with them.
The establishment of all this has prompted me to process the notion of privilege. Afternoon privileges in our home right now are usually 30 minutes of TV, sometimes 20 minutes on the computer. Prior to establishing this household priciple, I was THE GATEKEEPER of the TV and computer. I have great distain for this role, as it is a referee's close cousin. Now, the kids hold the keys to the gate. They know that responsibilities come before those beloved privileges, and instead of asking if they can watch TV, they are asking if they can take care of their responsibilities.
Usually the last thing we do on our "R" list is sit down and read a couple pages from our Bible. Today I rounded the corner, prepared to sit and read with them. I was blessed when I entered the family room to find my big boys sitting on the couch together with the Bible opened to the picture of one of Jesus' parables. Davis was telling (quite adeptly) what happened to each of the seeds that fell on the rocks, path, thorns, and good soil. Jackson was listening with great interest, interrupting with his questions. I sat next to Jackson and we listened and I smiled.
My big boys have long outgrown naps so after lunch in our house we set to our afternoon responsibilities (in the summer, when school is out, there will be morning ones as well). Every day we pick up all the toys that have collected, we put out that days' recycling, we feed the cat, we practice the verse we are working on for the week, and we sit down and read the Bible together. I also come up with one "extra chore" that each big boy does. (for example, wiping down the glass coffee table, wiping the sliding glass door, dragging the laundry basket to the utility room (or many other laundry tasks), wiping toothpaste from the sink, sweeping our wood-floor stairs, cleaning garbage and junk out of the car, and on and on...) The whole process takes about 30 minutes. My six year old is completely independant in his tasks now, and my three-year-old is becoming more independant each week.
It does take some thinking, but it is paying off, as my boys are actually becoming helpful. It has been an incredible opportunity for training, as the boys learn how to do many useful things around the house. It is also a built-in accountability for me because I see it as a time to take care of my household responsibilities too (like I can take care of them all in 30 minutes! Ha!).
Another concept that the kids are seeing is that I, too, am adhering to this principle. I have answered many of their requests to play with me with a "let me just finish this responsibility, and then I can." There is great freedom in this, because the kids get it (most of the time) that I need to take care of things. And on the other side of it, I am being purposeful to end my task in a timely manner and enjoy the privilege of reading to, or playing a bit of basketball with them.
The establishment of all this has prompted me to process the notion of privilege. Afternoon privileges in our home right now are usually 30 minutes of TV, sometimes 20 minutes on the computer. Prior to establishing this household priciple, I was THE GATEKEEPER of the TV and computer. I have great distain for this role, as it is a referee's close cousin. Now, the kids hold the keys to the gate. They know that responsibilities come before those beloved privileges, and instead of asking if they can watch TV, they are asking if they can take care of their responsibilities.
Usually the last thing we do on our "R" list is sit down and read a couple pages from our Bible. Today I rounded the corner, prepared to sit and read with them. I was blessed when I entered the family room to find my big boys sitting on the couch together with the Bible opened to the picture of one of Jesus' parables. Davis was telling (quite adeptly) what happened to each of the seeds that fell on the rocks, path, thorns, and good soil. Jackson was listening with great interest, interrupting with his questions. I sat next to Jackson and we listened and I smiled.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
WFMW - Laundry
This is yet another ridiculously simple contribution to the "Works For Me Wednesday" file. Simply put, I don't do my kids laundry. (But I do supervise their adept efforts!)
I have been training my boys (AGES 6 and 3) how to do their own laundry from start to finish. One or the other (or both) has learned how to:
Someday, I imagine, my Type A child will prefer to have his clothes unwrinkled and will eagerly master the steps to a perfectly folded shirt, but my "more creative child" will likely always see wrinkles as a delightful part of a shirt's design. For that child, I will be pleased that the clothes make it off the floor and into a drawer.
It took several months of training each task individually, and it will take several more months before the whole thing will be done unsupervised but what we have going right now WORKS FOR ME!
I have been training my boys (AGES 6 and 3) how to do their own laundry from start to finish. One or the other (or both) has learned how to:
- carry or drag laundry baskets downstairs to the laundry room
- sort clothes into darks and lights
- set and start the washing machine and dryer
- add the appropriate amount of soap/dryer sheets
- transfer clothes from one machine to another
- sort laundry into "ownership piles"
- put their own clothes away
Someday, I imagine, my Type A child will prefer to have his clothes unwrinkled and will eagerly master the steps to a perfectly folded shirt, but my "more creative child" will likely always see wrinkles as a delightful part of a shirt's design. For that child, I will be pleased that the clothes make it off the floor and into a drawer.
It took several months of training each task individually, and it will take several more months before the whole thing will be done unsupervised but what we have going right now WORKS FOR ME!
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
From Crosswalk Parenting
This came across my inbox today and It was extremely timely for me. If you want to subscribe to Crosswalk.com's parenting emails that they send out, go to their website and sign yourself up. I have enjoyed it. Now, enjoy this:
Getting to the Heart of Your Children's Behavior
Ginger Plowman
Do you find yourself threatening, repeating your instructions, or raising your voice in an attempt to get your children to obey? Do you feel guilty because you know you should be faithfully training and instructing your children in righteousness but you're not sure how? Are you frustrated because it seems you just can't reach the heart of your child?
Good news - the Bible provides a treasure chest of wisdom for parents that will richly bless their child-training efforts. God has saturated His Word with nuggets of gold. A wise parent will dig out those valuable nuggets and invest them in the lives of their children.
Unfortunately, many parents today focus only on the outward behavior of their children, having assumed the philosophy that by getting their children to act right (to behave), they are raising them the right way. Yet parenting involves more than getting children to "act" right. As parents, we must get them to "think" right and to be motivated out of a love of virtue rather than a fear of punishment.
We do this by training them in righteousness. Righteous training can only come from the Word of God. "All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting, and training in righteousness" (2 Timothy 3:16). God has provided us with everything we need for effective parenting. The key is learning how to "flesh out" the Scriptures in the everyday struggles our children face.
When children sinfully express themselves by disobeying, throwing temper tantrums, talking back, lying, etc., they are drawing from what is in their hearts. Parents need to realize the importance of reaching past the outward behavior and pulling out the issues of the heart. Pastor Al Jackson says, "The heart of the problem is the problem of the heart." The heart is the well from which all of the responses to life gush forth. "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life" (Proverbs 4:23). The behavior a child exhibits is an expression of the child's heart. To put it simply...the heart determines behavior.
Probe their Hearts. "The purposes of a man's heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out" (Proverbs 20:5). Jesus set the ultimate example for how to probe the heart of another in order to draw out what lies within. When dealing with sinners, Jesus did not shake his finger at their faces and tell them what they were doing wrong. Instead, He would ask thought-provoking questions in such a way that the person to whom he was talking had to take his focus off of the circumstances around him and onto the sin in his own heart. Heart-probing questions cause people to evaluate themselves.
When parents merely tell a child what his problem is and what he ought to do about it, they are hindering him from learning how to "think" like a Christian. This child will become handicapped in the area of discerning matters of his own heart. When children learn to evaluate their own hearts and biblically deal with the sin found there, they learn to govern their own behavior. This is how they grow in wisdom and character.
Penetrate their Hearts. Parents can correct and instruct their children repeatedly, but they cannot reach their children's hearts with their own wisdom. It is God's wisdom from God's Word that will truly penetrate the hearts of children. "The Word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double- edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart." (Hebrews 4:12)
You're probably thinking, "How do I go about locating the right passages of Scripture for the different issues with which my children are struggling?" Fear not! A tool created just for this purpose is available to you. Wise Words for Moms is a quick-reference flip chart to aid parents in using the appropriate Scriptures for specific struggles that children deal with on a day-to-day basis (See resources at bottom of article).
Provide a Means of Escape. In 1 Corinthians 10:13, God explains that when His children are tempted, He always provides a means of escape. God ordains parents as the authority over their children to put His plan into action. We must follow through with His plan by providing our children with a means of escape. We do this by training them in how to replace wrong behavior with right behavior.
It is never enough to simply rebuke sinful behavior. Rebuking sinful behavior without teaching godly behavior can exasperate children and provoke them to anger. "Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord" (Ephesians 6:4).
It is important that children learn to put off sinfulness. However, it is equally important, if not more important, that they learn to put on righteousness (Ephesians 4:22-24). The means of escape is found in their choice to replace what is wrong with what is right.
Resources for Biblical Parenting•
Wise Words for Moms by Ginger Plowman•
Don't Make Me Count to Three! by Ginger Plowman
Ginger Plowman is the author of "Don't Make Me Count to Three" and "Heaven at Home" and speaks at women's events, parenting conferences and home school conventions across the country. Visit her website at http://www.gingerplowman.com/.
Getting to the Heart of Your Children's Behavior
Ginger Plowman
Do you find yourself threatening, repeating your instructions, or raising your voice in an attempt to get your children to obey? Do you feel guilty because you know you should be faithfully training and instructing your children in righteousness but you're not sure how? Are you frustrated because it seems you just can't reach the heart of your child?
Good news - the Bible provides a treasure chest of wisdom for parents that will richly bless their child-training efforts. God has saturated His Word with nuggets of gold. A wise parent will dig out those valuable nuggets and invest them in the lives of their children.
Unfortunately, many parents today focus only on the outward behavior of their children, having assumed the philosophy that by getting their children to act right (to behave), they are raising them the right way. Yet parenting involves more than getting children to "act" right. As parents, we must get them to "think" right and to be motivated out of a love of virtue rather than a fear of punishment.
We do this by training them in righteousness. Righteous training can only come from the Word of God. "All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting, and training in righteousness" (2 Timothy 3:16). God has provided us with everything we need for effective parenting. The key is learning how to "flesh out" the Scriptures in the everyday struggles our children face.
When children sinfully express themselves by disobeying, throwing temper tantrums, talking back, lying, etc., they are drawing from what is in their hearts. Parents need to realize the importance of reaching past the outward behavior and pulling out the issues of the heart. Pastor Al Jackson says, "The heart of the problem is the problem of the heart." The heart is the well from which all of the responses to life gush forth. "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life" (Proverbs 4:23). The behavior a child exhibits is an expression of the child's heart. To put it simply...the heart determines behavior.
Probe their Hearts. "The purposes of a man's heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out" (Proverbs 20:5). Jesus set the ultimate example for how to probe the heart of another in order to draw out what lies within. When dealing with sinners, Jesus did not shake his finger at their faces and tell them what they were doing wrong. Instead, He would ask thought-provoking questions in such a way that the person to whom he was talking had to take his focus off of the circumstances around him and onto the sin in his own heart. Heart-probing questions cause people to evaluate themselves.
When parents merely tell a child what his problem is and what he ought to do about it, they are hindering him from learning how to "think" like a Christian. This child will become handicapped in the area of discerning matters of his own heart. When children learn to evaluate their own hearts and biblically deal with the sin found there, they learn to govern their own behavior. This is how they grow in wisdom and character.
Penetrate their Hearts. Parents can correct and instruct their children repeatedly, but they cannot reach their children's hearts with their own wisdom. It is God's wisdom from God's Word that will truly penetrate the hearts of children. "The Word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double- edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart." (Hebrews 4:12)
You're probably thinking, "How do I go about locating the right passages of Scripture for the different issues with which my children are struggling?" Fear not! A tool created just for this purpose is available to you. Wise Words for Moms is a quick-reference flip chart to aid parents in using the appropriate Scriptures for specific struggles that children deal with on a day-to-day basis (See resources at bottom of article).
Provide a Means of Escape. In 1 Corinthians 10:13, God explains that when His children are tempted, He always provides a means of escape. God ordains parents as the authority over their children to put His plan into action. We must follow through with His plan by providing our children with a means of escape. We do this by training them in how to replace wrong behavior with right behavior.
It is never enough to simply rebuke sinful behavior. Rebuking sinful behavior without teaching godly behavior can exasperate children and provoke them to anger. "Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord" (Ephesians 6:4).
It is important that children learn to put off sinfulness. However, it is equally important, if not more important, that they learn to put on righteousness (Ephesians 4:22-24). The means of escape is found in their choice to replace what is wrong with what is right.
Resources for Biblical Parenting•
Wise Words for Moms by Ginger Plowman•
Don't Make Me Count to Three! by Ginger Plowman
Ginger Plowman is the author of "Don't Make Me Count to Three" and "Heaven at Home" and speaks at women's events, parenting conferences and home school conventions across the country. Visit her website at http://www.gingerplowman.com/.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Sneaky-Sneaky
This year I am resolved to establish a daily time for my kids to read the Bible. My oldest is almost old enough to actually sit and READ his Bible, my middle is old enough to sit still with a Bible in his hands to flip through, and my youngest is old enough to disrupt the whole affair. Oh, and did I mention me? I am WAY TOO OLD to still be needing to "establish" something. What a pity, but true. With the addition of every child, the re-establishment must occur for me. The advice I have received from "Older-Wisers" has always been to do it before the kids get up. That has been a constant source of defeat for me. I hope I come up with something ELSE to encourage young moms to do. (I imagine you know my morning defeat: the earlier I get up, the earlier my kids arise. Why deprive myself of sleep and still not get a few moments with the Lord?)
Reminder: we are running a marathon, not a sprint. So my first step in the big picture of getting my kids to have a habit of reading their Bible and praying each day (essentially having a childhood "quiet time") is subtle, small, and might seem too miniscule. I am making sure that each day we read one small story in the Bible lasting 28 seconds, or upwards of 5 minutes.
My theory is that if you it every day, you have your kids eventually expecting it. Do it for a short enough time each of those days (leaving them wanting more rather than wishing it were over) and you will create a hunger for more. Then tomorrow's time is a little more enthusiastic (but not longer). And slowly s-l-o-w-l-y you lengthen the time you spend. And they grow up and begin to read for themselves. And..., And..., And...over time you have established a wonderful spiritual discipline. A little sneaky, don't you think?
I have a few challenges in this: my kids are really different. I have one who would sit and listen to books for hours on end, and another who might like a simple story but in the end would prefer to wrestle with the book. And I already mentioned my baby (who, by the way is not on a consistent nap schedule where I can count on him being asleep at the same time every day while we read together). Another magor challenge: big busy me. Enough said.
But so far (as of the middle of January) we have been successful. Lord, give me perseverance in this!
Any more resolutions out there? Any encouragement? Any other ideas floating around?
Reminder: we are running a marathon, not a sprint. So my first step in the big picture of getting my kids to have a habit of reading their Bible and praying each day (essentially having a childhood "quiet time") is subtle, small, and might seem too miniscule. I am making sure that each day we read one small story in the Bible lasting 28 seconds, or upwards of 5 minutes.
My theory is that if you it every day, you have your kids eventually expecting it. Do it for a short enough time each of those days (leaving them wanting more rather than wishing it were over) and you will create a hunger for more. Then tomorrow's time is a little more enthusiastic (but not longer). And slowly s-l-o-w-l-y you lengthen the time you spend. And they grow up and begin to read for themselves. And..., And..., And...over time you have established a wonderful spiritual discipline. A little sneaky, don't you think?
I have a few challenges in this: my kids are really different. I have one who would sit and listen to books for hours on end, and another who might like a simple story but in the end would prefer to wrestle with the book. And I already mentioned my baby (who, by the way is not on a consistent nap schedule where I can count on him being asleep at the same time every day while we read together). Another magor challenge: big busy me. Enough said.
But so far (as of the middle of January) we have been successful. Lord, give me perseverance in this!
Any more resolutions out there? Any encouragement? Any other ideas floating around?
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)