15 Parenting Tips I Give Myself: Supervise them

Tip #7 Playing unsupervised is a privilege to be earned

Don't leave siblings together without your supervision until you can trust that they will treat each other well. Think of all the head bashing and biting that can be averted. Think of the opportunities to teach and train them how to love their brother. Think of the long-term impact on their relationship!

I wrote about this some time ago, here.

An Autumn Hope Check

Hope is the most powerful force we can nurture in our children. It is one of the deepest needs a human has: the need for hope. Without hope comes hopelessness - a terrible state of being. What do kids hope for? Small things like "someday I might have that special toy" and medium things like "I have hope that I am smart enough to do my schoolwork" and big things like "I have hope that my parents cherish me."

Periodically I try to do a "Hope Check" for each of my kids. Am I nurturing hope in their lives? Or am I contributing to a sense of hopelessness in their soul? As a parent I am either doing one or the other. I have yet to be convinced that this is an area in which a parent can be neutral.

Without Further Adue, here is my Hope Check

Drake, 1.5 years old, tries with all his might to communicate, but it is a struggle for him to be heard and understood. I can nurture hope in Drake by taking extra time with him, saying aloud what i think he is communicating; mimicking his great enthusiasm, frustration, or other driving emotion.

Pray: that he would use his mouth to one day proclaim the gospel from the mountaintops!
 

Weston, 3.5 years old, often finds himself creating strife with Drake. Drake is hard to play with and has become quite good at provoking Weston. While Drake is in this phase of life, being difficult to play with, I can nurture hope in Weston by taking his side, even when he did have some blame in a sibling conflict with Drake. I can be quick to come to his rescue, and I can be careful to not leave Drake unattended with Weston. I can be quick to praise him for little strides toward kindness, generosity and maturity.
Pray: that the Lord would cause him to be a gifted peacemaker.

Jackson, 6 years old, lives in a good place right now. His love tank is full of soccer and PE. He loves school. He loves playing with each of his brothers. In this season of great hope I can nurture our relationship. I can use this quiet season to deepen our bond by being patient as he explains his world to me (I usually don't catch it on the first telling), and look him in the eyes more, and smile at him more, and kiss him more. What great hope that will bring to both of us as we see our mother-son relationship deepen!

Pray: that he would grow in his relationship with his Heavenly Parent.

Davis, age 9, has brought homework home - and tears to go along with it. His perfectionistic tendancies drag him down as he struggles to make sure every single letter in cursive is just right. He searches for perfect word after perfect word in writing a fiction story. He quickly panics when spelling lists feel too challenging. He is sad when homework assignments prevent him from joining in playtime with his brothers. I have been nurturing hope in his little heart by encouraging him to NOT write every cursive letter so carefully, and talking about how its OKAY to miss a spelling word. No one is looking for perfect... I can also breath hope into him right now by helping him to gain perspective on school life: that the work load won't always feel overwhelming.

 Pray: that Davis would experience God's grace on his life at an early age.

Forcing a Smile

Lately my kids have done a copious amount of bickering. What's all the fuss? Oh, monument things, I would say: little brother is not facing his plate; big brother does not have all four chair legs on the floor. Big brother is not singing the right words; little brother is looking at me. Little brother won't share; big brother won't either. Big brother won the race; little brother pushed me.

Not surprising to any mother, I can't stand the sound of my children fighting with, purposely annoying, or lording over one another. The quibbles (which are more than usual right now) have been a good "opportunity" for me to think through and practice how to tread the quarrelling waters. And since I have short term memory issues (comes with the motherhood territory), I thought it best to write some things down.

I have a few good one-liners in my pocket that I pull out when a scrape ensues ("Let me be the mom, and you can be the encouraging older brother" and "If you continue arguing you will lose the privilege of playing together.")

Generally speaking, I don't permit arguing between the brothers. If I cannot trust them to treat each other well then they cannot play together unsupervised. (More on that notion here.) That does not mean that we are spat-free around here. Quite the contrary! But I grew up with a sibling and we just did not dispute. Part of it was personality, but I think part of it was that our parents taught us how to get along and they did it in a way that worked. My experience tells me that it is possible for siblings to learn to treat each other well. So that is the expectation in our house. I hope it will better prepare them for life, work, and marriage someday!

Here are some of the way that I am teaching my kids how to get along with each other.

1. I know in my heart that my facial expressions and tone of voice DIRECTLY IMPACT how my kids relate to each other. If I am sternly reprimanding their bickering, I have set the example of sternness and impatience. If I respond to their tiff with a soft voice and a smile (even if it IS forced), they have seen an example of how to respond even when they are irritated. (LORD KNOWS how irritated I get!)

I did an experiment in the car today, amid a battle over who was right about the words of a particular song. I put a smile on my face and empathized with the child who was actually right (we both knew he was right) and told him: Since you are the older brother you DO know more things than your little brother, huh? But part of knowing more things is being patient with those who don't know as much. So, if he is wrong and he does not believe you are right, be wise! Know in your head that you are right and just say "Oh well" and move on. That child did not much care for my thoughts on the subject and the scowl on his face remained throughout the miniature lecture - and beyond. My permi-grin remained as well, and I joined in singing the song and acting like I was having a good ol' time, even though one child was glowering and little brother still did not sing the right words. I winked at the scowly face in my rear-view mirror a couple of times but did not let on that he was irking me. It was not long before his countenance changed and he was singing again. As I had hoped, my countenance impacted his and he was finding himself enjoying himself despite the fact that he did not get his little brother to admit he was wrong about something.


2. When I suddenly find my kids have gotten into a cycle of scraps I take note! I spend time thinking about their arguing and try to name what I am hearing. If I can't yet name it, or don't know how best to handle it I default to my standby and send the kids to different rooms or regions to sit quietly and look at books or something. That at least buys me some time until the next quarrel. (And yes, there will be a "next time.") So anyway, rather than react and respond in foolishness I think and pray for wisdom. After some thinking and praying, I have discovered that the types of arguments we are having lately involve 1.) mostly one boy lording authority over another boy and 2) I hear a fair amount of "right fighting" which basically means that a brother cares more about being right than anything (that's the definition of an idol!). Of course the other typical source of quarrels stem from selfishness in one child and impatience from the other. In nearly all bickering, both kids are in the wrong: Right-fighting and lording over from one child usually creates a stubborn heart in the other.

3. If I have spent time thinking about the bottom line of the arguments then when the bickering starts I pretty quickly can identify what's "really" going on, which gives me the opportunity to use my prepared response. Yes, I brush up on my acting skills and prepare what I will say next time.

4. I spend time teaching (a bit in the moment and a bit more, later, when they are more prepared to learn!). Rather than focus on what to stop doing or acting like, I try to focus on teaching them how they should act: how to react; what words to use; what tone of voice to adopt. I might say to one child, "Rather than yell at at your brother to quit, please say, 'will you please stop..." When I give them a better phrase I try my best to force a smile and keep my tone pleasant. When it it really hard for me to maintain control over my tone and words, it is actually a good reminder to me that what I am asking of them (to control their anger or frustration) is a very difficult thing!

I also try to help them see the situation from the younger one's perspective. For instance I might say, "Honey, I know he is bothering you and that you would rather he leave. But do you know that he just loves playing with you so much? He just wants to do what you are doing because you are so fun to be around." Pointing out that fact usually stops the older one in their tracks and gives them a dramatically different level of patience with a younger brother.

5. I also try to take note of how I have been speaking to the kids and my husband in other situations. Has my tongue been quick? Have I exercised great patience and self-control? Am I giving them the benefit of the doubt? Have I smiled at my kids? Have I respected my husband? Am I nit-picking? Am I being inconsistent in my discipline? Am I asking the kids to do things that I, a grown woman, am not modeling? I am surprised at what I usually discover. Ugh.

Probably the most agonizing thing about controlling the caterwaul is owning up to how I have contributed to the problem.  I think I will forever need to be humbled in how I use my tongue and tone. But when it is all said and done I am pointed to my Savior, who is the only one who can help. I love the reminder in Ephesians: Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. (Eph 4:29-32)

This verse is a good reminder for me and my kids!


(For other sibling-related posts click here.)

That's NOT FAIR!

I have a certain middle child that has been coming to me (with increasing frequency) with this arms crossed, bottom lip protruding and eyes angry saying, "How come I didn't get a ____" or "Why did (brother) get one and I didn't?!" Its enough to drive this mother up the wall. Said child is obsessed with fairness as of late. Before evaluating whether or not the amount of pretzels in front of him is satisfactory for his hunger level, his eyes are on his brothers' pretzel piles and no matter how many are in front of him, AUTOMATICALLY his pile is less than his brothers'. And then the protruding lip, angry eyes and crossed arms are back. With gritted teeth, I might say something like "finish what you have in front of you and if you are still hungry, there are plenty more." I'd be lying if I said I have never lost it in this scenario. It is all I can do to allow him to keep even ONE pretzel. Every ounce of me wants to show him who's boss. "You think you have less? Alright, I'LL SHOW YOU LESS," swiftly grabbing up and dumping the food for which he was so ungrateful.

I have a thing about fairness issues: I am of the opinion that if someone is claiming that something is not fair, no matter how you try to prove how it actually is fair, that person will not be convinced. You may have 100 reasons for each person got what they got; you can count every raisin in front of each sibling; you can set a timer so each turn is ex.act.ly even, but if a child (or adult!) is of the mind that things are not fair, you will not win. There is always a reason why it is STILL not fair. So I have a policy of NOT being fair. Okay, okay, I did make sure each kid (who is old enough to care) had the same number of presents under the tree. And I am guilty of keeping Spiderman paraphernalia equally distributed among the sizes. And I do try to generally make things fair whenever possible. But what I don't do is get into arguments or discussions of fairness. If a child is claiming unfairness, I usually try and focus that child on what they can be thankful for.

HOWEVER, this method is not clicking and the current unfairness bombardment is more than this mamma can take. That is, until today when I had a wonderful ah-ha moment: Oh my. He doesn't trust me. He doesn't trust me. Here's what lead to that epiphany:
He came stomping up the stairs having seen his brother eating a banana: "How come DAVIS gets a banana and NOT ME?!?!?" he said, complete with his standard lip-eyes-arms stance.
(Deep breath, momma. Don't blow...) "Sweetie, when you say things like that," (I imitate him to-a-tee, at this point) you are only causing yourself trouble. When you say things like that (I imitate his words and stance again) does mommy ever give you what you want?"
Angrier eyes coming my way. More deep breathing by Mommy. Lord, help me keep the tone kind and gentle.
"The reason Davis got a banana is because he asked for one. Maybe if YOU asked for one in a kind manner, I might give one to you also. What do you think?"
Shoulder shrug. "Can I please have a banana?"
My face lit up and I handed him a banana. "Little guy, I love to give you the things you want and need. All you need to do is ask, OK?"

When he walked away, I could tell that something new had clicked for him. For that I am thankful. Even more, I am thankful that something clicked for me. He is assuming (right or wrong) that I am going to slight him every chance I get. Here is my opportunity to really build up trust between the two of us. Rather than be frustrated by his angry assumptions, I can and will be patient with him, rehearsing with him all the ways I love to care for his needs (and how he must make proper requests). When he trusts me to care for him like I care for his brothers, I suspect that he will stop focusing on fairness, resting in the knowledge that no matter what others get, meeting his unique needs is paramount to his mommy.

The Blessed Timer

There is one tool in my house that I have a special fondness for: The timer. Oh, let me count the ways this timer has helped me manage the various stages of mothering thus far.


Great uses for a timer

1. The most obvious (and least interesting) use of the timer is for cooking. But I must say that the timer on my oven has saved our meals from a burnt crisp pretty much every night. The little beep goes off and I think, "huh. What was that for? OH YEAH! I am cooking something!" Using the term distracted really does not do justice to the brain activity of this mom on any given day.


2. When naps fade away and "rests" become en vogue for my kids, the timer is set to the highest possible number it can go (60 whole minutes) and the child quietly reads and rests on his bed until the sweet dinging is heard.


C. When toothbrushing consists of a quick scrub of only the top two front teeth, the timer, set to 2 minutes, helps that child work on all his pearly whites. (In this situation, the timer was long ago replaced with singing "Twinkle, Twinkle" two times through.)


4. When my four-year-old is learning to play with an eighteen- to twenty-four-month-old, the timer serves as a great way for that older sibling to know that there is an end in sight. A timer set for 10-15 minutes (to begin with, anyway) is a do-able task for a preschooler, IMHO. It is SO HARD to play with a kid that is constantly messing with the toy he is playing with, so this is a good introduction for the older child to learn how to be selfless and for the younger child to feel included in the fun for a while. "You can read more about how we protect the sibling relationship in the early years here.


5. Timers are GREAT for time outs, of course. I am not a big believer in time outs, but they do have their place in the discipline toolbox. And a timer helps!


E. And when there is only one of something (like a trampoline, or a swing, or a fire engine) that timer comes in handy again. I can remember when my oldest two boys were three and five years of age and I would set the timer in the playroom for them to use all on their own. They would set it for the agreed upon minutes and have fun taking turns. The game became less of a "I want a turn with the cool toy" and more of a "Let's find something fun to play with so WE CAN USE THE TIMER!!"


And, because I have a baby, my current favorite use of the timer is for his sleep. There are two ways I can't live without my timer.


1.) Teaching a baby how to cry himself to sleep requires (for my personality) a timer. When baby cries in his bed, I automatically set the timer for the number of minutes that corresponds to the number of weeks old he is (4 weeks old = four minutes) and shut off the baby monitor. When that timer dings, I turn the monitor back on to check to see if he is still crying. It's a lifesaver because I CAN'T STAND to listen to my babies cry. (But if i don't set a timer and just turn the monitor off, I will forget that he is crying... and if I just leave the monitor on so I hear him crying, I about go insane, wringing my hands in nervous energy and tension.) For more sleep tips, you can check this post and also this one.

2.) Defining sleep cycles. OK. I will admit that I don't use a timer for this one. Just a clock. But it relates to #1 above, teaching babies how to nap... So, 45 minutes after my baby goes to sleep, he almmost always wakes up and cries. (45 minutes is a typical sleep cycle and most babies wake for a time after that first sleep cycle but will - and need to - go back to sleep if they are given the chance.) Anyway, I note if it is, indeed, 45 minutes after I put him down. And if so, I use my timer trick above and he can learn to fall back asleep. If it is past 45 minutes, then it can be counted (according to my favorite sleep expert) as a nap and I can go get him.

The threat to Throw

The arm is raised, the older sibling is flinching in anticipation of the hard or pointy or heavy object to make contact... He knows better. He knows (because this is not the first time he has struck this pose) that he is not to throw that lego on his older brother's head. Yet the arm is raised...

Oh Weston, Weston, Weston. What am I going to do with you?

I'll tell you. I will being NOW teaching him a principle from the New Testament: Sinning in your heart is the same to our Lord as sinning in action. "You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.' But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. (Matthew 5:27-28). Lucky for me in this case, my two-year-old is not too good at hiding what is going on in his heart. The devious two-year-old bodily pose and smirk makes his motive and intention clear.

And so before he has the chance to launch the lego, pitch the puzzle piece, fling the fire engine, or heave the helmet, my little guy gets a swat as though he has already committed the deed. Because in his heart, he already has.

Tattlers

Tattling, Davis hollers: "Maaaawwww - aaawwwwmm! Weston's not putting his binki's on his bed like I am telling him toooooo!"

It is true. The binkis are supposed to be on the bed, as a general rule. But I am in the bathroom, giving the 5-week-old a bath. Even if this WAS an emergency, I could not attend to it. It will have to wait, so I gave the standard reply, "Well, all you can do is encourage him to do the right thing, Davis. I will take care of the obedience a little later. Thank you!"

And that got me thinking about how important it is to focus attention on the importance of encouragement. ["Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing."1 Thes. 5:11] What a valuable skill we can give our kids if we are constantly teaching them and offering examples of how to encourage others. With sibling relationships, this is especially invaluable when you have one child who is a rule-follower, and another child that is a rule-bender. That rule-follower will be compelled to get others to follow rules, too, but the reality is that you can't MAKE others follow the rules. All you can do is encourage them. Humbly encourage them.

"Preach the Word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage--with great patience and careful instruction." 2 Tim. 4:2

To teach my kids how to encourage each other, it takes some thought. I have to be an encourager. They need to hear me encourage them, and their siblings. And when opportunity arises (i.e. they are tattling), I need to be prepared to help them think up words they can say to encourage: "You might get in trouble if you keep jumping on the couch, Weston." "Mommy said we can't have a cookie. We better do the right thing and not take one." "I put my socks and shoes on, like Mom asked. Aren't you going to, too?"

I think this helps give a bossy kid an outlet. Seems like a bossy child is really a leader in disguise...one who likes to be in control of situations. And a bossy kid needs to learn and understand that ultimately their peers makes their own choices - right or wrong. They will choose to do the right thing, or do the wrong thing. To follow the leader or make their own way. To play cars or to read a book. What I really like about focusing on encouragement is that it teaches my control freak that his brother's actions are not his responsibility. All he can do is encourage and do the right thing himself - regardless of his brother's choice. It is not his job to make sure brother does the right thing. That is between the offender and Mom. And later it will be between the offender and God.

This is the freedom God affords us. We have a world of choices to make, and a miriade of influences on us when we make those choices. The Lord desires for us to do the right thing. But ultimately he allows us to sit in our poo, if that is what we choose. But it is when we are surrounded by the muck we put ourselves in that we tend to learn the most.

"But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness." Heb. 3:13

Tattling is not all bad, of course. Golly, sometimes that tattler's information is downright critical for a busy mom with "active" kids. Part of training a child to encourage is to also teach them discernment... there are times, like when safety is at risk, when only tattling is called for: "Weston is trying to feed the baby a marble!!" Thank you, child, for not quietly encouraging him to do the right thing and walking away. Tattle, Tattle, Tattle!! But binki's not making it on the bed? Not so much.