Just when I was feeling better, I was hit this week with a terrible virus. It was not one I have ever had before (I have had worse), but it so filled me with exhaustion I could do little more than lay in my bed. (Do you feel sorry for me?) Anyway, since it was such a strange sickness with none of the usual fevers, vomitting, or the like, I wondered if I was losing my baby - a thought that sends me into a deep sadness that reminds me of the longing I had for a child when we were trying so hard to get pregnant with our first.
I made an appointment with my OB at the same time - so it happens - that Ryan had an appointment to see if a relapse of cancer would have us starting chemotherapy the following Monday. I wanted so badly to be with Ryan at that appointment, and had made all necessary arrangements to do so, but if what i had WAS a virus? Showing up to an office with cancer patients whose immune system is seriously compromised would be unkind and unethical. So instead I sat in my OBs office, just a building away, to hear a heart I prayed was still beating.
The Doppler thing-y that they listen to the heartbeat with immediately picked up little peanut's heart and I breathed easier for the first time in a few days. As I walked out of the office, my cell rang. It was Ryan. We were really preparing in every way, shape and form for Chemo to start. The mass that was detected was so suspicious as being a recurrence that we did not hardly dare to hope it was something else. But we did pray it would shrink on its own. I could not believe it when Ryan's voice came over the speaker: "It did not grow. It's the same size. We'll do another scan in three months, but for now at least, no need to do chemo. The doctor said it might not even be cancerous" WHAT?! THANK YOU FATHER! We were both in complete shock.
It was so cathartic. In less than 15 minutes time, we learned that our baby was preserved and that we had escaped the mess that is chemo. It was a good day. A good, good day.