The Five O'Clock Hour

I don't know what it is about Thanksgiving weekend for me but for the past number of years it has become my prompt to begin preparing for the resolutions I might make in the coming year. While others are anxiously awaiting the arrival of their Christmas tree, I am swarming with thoughts of the New Year. I relish the thought of the fresh start that January 1 represents.

Last year on Thanksgiving weekend I was contemplating reading the Bible throughout the year (OT once through, NT twice). I am thrilled that I am on track to reach my goal (I half thought I would not follow through).
It was a relatively small committment but it was important to me to make and stick to. It has been good for me to discipline myself in a small way, especially in a year that was so full of hard and good things.

This year my goal is a bit more ambitious. It involves seeing a five as the first number on my alarm clock, and NOT seeing a ten the night before. Here I add my caveate: "when it is reasonable." Because it is not reasonable to arise at 5-something when the night was full of sleeplessness. If I do go through with this, pray for Ryan. I have a terrible Snooze Button Addiction. He would frown on two hours of 104.1FM every 7 minutes. (I, on the other hand, find that rather dreamy...)

Why, oh WHY would I consider torturing myself in such a way? Bible Study. Regular, consistent studying of the Bible. I have racked my brain trying to come up with even 20 quiet, uninterrupted minutes in my day to make this happen. Honestly, it does not exist. Oh, it happens now and then - but regularly? 'fraid not. Since I don't want to spend those 20 minutes being grumpy at the kids for their interruption and distraction ("Leave Mommy alone! Can't you see I'M STUDYING MY BIBLE!?!!?" Nice witness, Mommy), I need to invent a new hour of the day. It is called "pre-dawn." I have heard of it, but rarely seen it on purpose.

And if I can squeeze in some exercise before the kids notice I am up, all the better.

15 Parenting Tips I Give Myself: Let Dad be Dad

Tip#15 Nurture a deep respect for your husband specifically as it relates to his role as father.

I will just be honest and say that I have been guilty all too often of thinking I know far more than my husband when it comes to parenting. The evidence I would point to? (And I point these things out with all sincerity and with as much respect as I can claim when formulating a somewhat disrespectful list of I'm-Better-Than-You-Are's.) For every 1 of his hours of parenting, I have 4; for every 1 parenting book that he has read I have read 8; for every 1 conversation he has had with another dad about discipline, I have had - well, I can't even count that one.

He would whole-heartedly agree that I am the PRDD (Parenting Research and Development Division) in this household. He actually prefers to default to what I know and have experienced when it comes to lots of parenting issues. The problem with me spending time down I Know All - You Are Clueless Avenue is that it goes no where good. My heart fills with prideful hautiness and disrespect toward by husband. Blech. So regardless of the fact that I have more information, experience and support, I must foster a deep and true respect for my husband who loves our kids as much as me.

Making this happen:

Pray for your husband, his fatherhood, his realtionship with the kids, and his relationship with the Lord.

When parenthood is new and fresh and frightening, allow him to learn how to be a dad at a slower pace than you are learning. You think about this child every.waking.moment. He works all day. And does not let milk down every 3.67 hours. And is not tending to every detail of every nap. And did not sprout "mommy ears" the morning of your child's birth. So be patient, kind, respectful and considerate, remembering that you and he will NOT, rather, CANNOT, learn parenthood at the same pace.

Let him have the type of relationship he desires to have with the kids. This might vary greatly from your idea of a perfect relationship between father and child. If you wonder what kind of relationship he wants, ask him. Let him talk and don't criticize. Encourage him, and don't sabotage!

Communicate a deep respect for this thoughts about all things, particularly when he comments on anything kid-related. You might initially think he is wrong on a point (and perhaps he is) but a respectful response does not include a quick "no" or dismissal. Respectful says, "I have never thought about it in that way." I have much work to do in this area. I am known for my quick "No."

Ask him what he would like to see you focus on  and make sure your priorities reflect his. I spend an enormous amount of time talking with other mothers, reading blogs and ruminating on how I will raise our boys - everything from how to get them to do their chores every day to how I will prepare them for college and the real world of pursuing the Lord. My tendancy is to come up with a wonderful idea, think of the 10 ways to accomplish that idea, decide on the best way, move forward with the brilliance I came up with and then - maybe - mention it to Ryan. Or maybe not. Like I said earlier, he prefers to defer to me with most parenting things anyway, so I can get away with this. But BOY does it get me into trouble in the end. Before I invest a mound of energy into my ideas, I have learned that I really need to get a clue as to what RYAN'S priorities are for the boys. I need to take the time to investigate what HE wants me to focus on and pursue those priorities first and foremost. EVEN IF IT MEANS DYING TO MY OWN PRIORITIES. The Lord honors a wife who respects her husband in word and deed. This has been the single most significant way I have gained great respect for Ryan as a father.

Oh, one more thing. Realize that progress in this area (especially if it has been an area of concern) is a long process. Don't strongarm your husband tonight trying to get him to tell you every parenting thought he has ever had. I can't imagine that conversation going anywhere productive in my home. Would it be different in yours? So do yourself a favor tonight and, instead, slip into something nice and light a candle in the bedroom. Atta' girl.

15 Parenting Tips I Give Myself: Study, Study

This is part 2 of tip #14, as I neglected to say the most important part.

After much studying of children...

It is not enough to merely know about my children. I must attempt to understand their needs and ACT. By way of example, here are my study notes, followed by how I hope to respond to what I have learned. In the past I have referred to this as a "Hope Check." Maybe my notes will be better inspiration and stir ideas in your head.
Davis: Perfectionist. Thrives on words of Affirmation. Feels the pressure of being the one with significant homework, realizing that he must do it while everyone else plays. Easily overwhelmed by homework load (perfectionism). Has a lot to say. Motivated by money and TV. Booksmart. Functions only in a black and white, right and wrong, true (not make-believe) world.

Jackson: Loves fun. Easily distracted. Loves to please me. Competitive. Playful. Loves his brothers. Loves to play with friends. Motivated by money. Enjoys same things his dad enjoys. Intuitively smart. Lives a bit in a make-believe I-wish-it-were-this-way world.

Weston: Comical. tenderhearted. needs a great deal of control over his environment. Wants to be in charge (regularly tries to put Mom out of a job). Feel "beat up" by little brother quite often. Sees little brother's ability to share and/or not wreck his trains and car set up as hopeless. Increasingly wants to be considered one of the big boys. Doesn't get enough sleep. Doesn't have toys of his own, or toys he has claimed as favorite. Is rejuvinated by alone time.

Drake: Delights greatly when he knows you understand what he said or wants. Playful. Loves to see others laugh. Physical  interaction (read: rough-housing) is favored activity above all. Recently landed in the world of "being two" and all the typical baggage that comes with that. Understands who is in charge and what submitting his will entails. Increasingly wants to do things for himself. Gathers toys to the point of his own frustration (try crawling up or down stairs with seven matchbox cars and two train engines - see what I mean?). Willing to risk a spank/crib time if it means getting a rise out of Weston.

After thinking carefully about what I am currently learning about each child, I pick one or two areas that I can concentrate on that will make a significant difference to that child so that they feel well loved, and hopeful about an area of weakness or frustration. This does not include enabling weaknesses or frustration, but rather is an opportunity for me to offer with great intentionality the grace, tenderness, understanding, and patience they need in that area. Sometimes my only goal is to avoid exaperating my kids: Fathers do not exasperate your children; instead bring them up in the teaching and instruction of the Lord. (Ephesians 6:4) I am pretty sure mothers are just as capable of exasperating...

Here are a couple of examples of my thoughts:

Weston: protect that relationship between him and Drake. Don't let them play together without supervision (the two goose eggs on Weston's forehead are evidence that Drake cannot be trusted!). Protect Weston and provide him plenty of opportunities to play without Destruct-o boy.

Drake: Be careful to distinguish playfulness and defiance. Only discipline defiance. PLAY with his PLAYFULNESS! Find him a little sack or box or something to carry his load in - will that delight him or further frustrate? Laugh with him. Be quick to discipline misbehavior toward Weston - keep a close eye!

The point is to find the needs (by studying!), think through how they might be met, and then give it a try!

15 Parenting Tips I Give Myself: Be a Student

Tip #14 Study Your Children

It is astounding to me how often I am just plain wrong. I think I know what I am doing, or how to do something only to discover that I am a fool. This was especially true when I had only one child. He was a pretty easy little guy and I had him trained to obey well by the time we celebrated his second birthday. I knew I had a good kid, but I also had to give myself SOME credit for being consistent. So you can imagine how I felt when the same training tactics FLOPPED with child number two. Not only did they flop, they backfired. That second child of mine bucked every system I had. He was not about to cater to my desires to have TWO well-behaving children. No-sir-ee.  I had to eat a lot of crow with that kid. Sorry if you are one of the people I gave parenting advice to prior to February 25, 2004. I was clueless, discompassionate and not helpful. But I sure was confident!

I say all this to make the point that just because you have one child figured out, don't assume you have parenting figured out. Also, don't assume that just because all your children share the same DNA that they are to be parented the same.

What's that? You already knew that?

Anyway, because each child is so different, we should be studying them. Learn what makes them tick, what their needs are, what their love language is, how their little brains work, what their propensities are. Some answers will stay the same over the years, while others will change depending on age and stage. So the studies never end for a mom! Learn learn learn!

Study materials:
1. Your child at play. What kinds of play does he enjoy? Does he use his imagination? What real-life experiences does he act out? Does he want to play next to someone, or with someone? Is the fun in putting a puzzle together or taking it apart? Does he focus on gross motor or fine motor right now? etc, etc.
2. Your child in frustrating moments. What kinds of situations does he find himself in that frustrate her? Is there a situation that comes up time and time again that gets the better of her? Does she like help? Does she hate help? Does she need to cry? Does she respond with anger?
3. Your child and how they relate to their siblings. Is he always following the lead of an older sibling? Is he leading the play? Is he hopelessly in love with the sibling? Does he aim to please? Is he excluded? Does he seem to gravitate to the older siblings and their play? How do the older siblings respond to his desires?
4. Your library: When I want to just understand what's going on inside the mind of a typical child at a certain age I go to the series by Louise Bates Ames. There is a title for every age: "Your One Year Old," "Your Two Year Old," etc. NOTE: I do not recommend her parenting advice, per se, but rather the scientific observations she makes (usually at the beginning of a section). It is so useful to get inside the brain and understand what is physiologically going on in a child's body.
5. Your bookshelf: Start bulking it up when you can with great references like The Five Languages of Children, Don't Make Me Count to Three, Grace-Based Parenting, Parenting with Love and Logic.
6. Your mother-in-law. If a child is not like you, he might be like your husband, so ask what he was like as a kid and how they dealt with it. Even if it seems like terrible advice, it is still valuable because it will give you a window of understanding into that child you otherwise don't get.
7. Your Loving Father in Heaven.This should have been much higher on this list, obviously. It never ceases to amaze me how much wisdom the Lord gives when I ask it. So, ASK!

15 Parenting Tips I Give Myself: Parent in Your Weakness

Tip #13

When Times Get Rough, Give Up Your Strong Suit

We start our parenthood journey fairly polarized, I think. God seems to build into each of us a propensity toward either grace or truth - that is, we are either compassionate or a careful observer of rules and laws. I am strong in the latter. It is where I get the phrase "Obey Mommy the First Time" (swat, swat). This strength of mine gives me a pair of glasses that first and formost sees behavior as either obedient or disobedient, nipping bad behavior in the bud before it becomes an issue. On the other side, my sister is naturally compassionate. She ponders and considers the heart motivation behind her children's behavior before deciding how to handle her girls. (What is your propensity?)

In my life it has been my inexperience and insecurity that has driven me to spend most of my parenting moments perfecting my strengths. There comes a point when I needed to consider living moments outside the comfortable zone of strength and instead treading the dangerous waters of my personal weaknesses. I remember the moment I realized that it was time to put my toe in these treacherous waters: Davis, my oldest and only child, was pushing the line of disobedience in new and improved ways. His usually sweet disposition had disappeared and the child I was now parenting was whiney, disobedient, and an all around pill. Where did my Davis go?!

I don't remember if I had received wisdom from a fellow mom, my own mom, or if it was the whisper of the Holy Spirit but I remember standing in my kitchen, seeing Davis pull some of his "new normal" antics on me. it was everything I could do to not discipline him for his disobedience. But instead of staying in my comfort zone, I parented (as it turns out) like my sister. It was less than a day and I was already seeing the old Davis again. I quicly concluded that I had perfected my strength to the point of turning it into a weakness!

It is a strange way to think about it, but when you are out of ideas with that one kid that is driving you to drink, do the exact opposite of what your gut tells you, and just see what happens. Who knows - it just might work!

15 Parenting Tips I Give Myself: Privileges and Responsibilities

Tip #12

Teach your kids the principle of responsibilities before privileges

We do our homework before we watch TV. We get our chores done before we play. We take care of  (AKA "play with") a younger sibling before we do our own thing. Teaching this principle comes pretty intuitively, but on the other hand it is not always articulated into a child's ears. It can easily sound like Mom is just being a big wet blanket on a kid's fun so take the time to talk about it:

• "I want to be sure you and we get to play a game of Uno later today like you wanted. Let's go look at the chore chart to see what our responsibilities are so that later we can have our privileges."
• "Mom, can I watch a TV show?" "You can have that privilege when your responsibilities are taken care of. Is your room clean like I asked?"

This principle can be modeled by mom beautifully, too. As moms, we have a mountain of tasks to accomplish in a day. We can help our kids understand that we can't always drop what we are doing and play dollies because WE have responsibilities, too. Using that same language to describe "the life of a mom" will help them catch the idea all the more. "Let me finish my dinner prep responsibilities and then I can enjoy the privilege of playing, ok?" I have to stop a moment for my own benefit (since these are tips I give myself) and say watch out that YOU DO STOP and actually play that Uno game. You know all too well that a mother's work is never done so don't go using a neglected floor as an excuse to neglect the bigger responsibility of nurturing your children.

When the older kids were younger (like ages 2 and 5) was when I first heard about instilling this principle. It was quite easy for me to come up with a healthy list of responsibilities for the older child but the list of privileges for him was terribly short. It was a good exercise to go through. I had to ask myself if I was being reasonable and balanced. You don't need a one-to-one ratio, but when the only privilege in a day is one 30 minute show but the list of responsibilities is looking more like a wedding registry at Bed Bath and Beyond, it begs the question: could I stand to lighten up a bit on one side or another? What is more, I had to ask myself if I should be looking to increase that 5-year-old's list of privileges to be broader than the 2-year-old's since I asked next to nothing of the younger one but they BOTH got the same reward for their hard work.

Rights verses privileges: Is it a right or a privilege to play alone (for a season, my oldest craved time away from his younger brother)? Is it a right or a privilege to have a room full of toys? Is it a right or a privilege to have mom read to me at night? Is it a right or privilege to join the family for a night out? is it a right or a privilege to have a morning snack? Is playing without adult supervision a right or a privilege? I won't answer the questions because in some homes I think the answers will vary. My point is that it is something to think through.

Teach kids that we work before we play and they will learn a work ethic that will truly be useful all the days of their life.

15 Parenting Tips I Give Myself: Food Issues

Tip # 11

Do What You Can to Quell a Picky Appetite

I think everybody ends up with a set of foods that totally grosses them out. For me as a child it was peanut butter (so sorry about that one, Mom!), tomatoes, mushrooms and chili. I think that a short list of refusal foods is reasonable. Don't you? This post could hit some hot buttons so let me say right out of the shoot that we all go through seasons in life where we have to select our battles carefully. When you have multiple preschool children and it is all you can do to make it through the day, this might not be the battle you pick right.this.very.moment.

In our house I have a rather complicated set of parameters that I have to cook around - these parameters involve health concerns for a husband with Crohns and allergy concerns for the baby. You can perhaps appreciate the fact that I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR PICKY EATERS when it comes to the people I regularly cook for. I will gladly short-order cook for any child that visits my house but as for my own kids, "You get what you get and you don't throw a fit."

Each of my kids have gone through picky stages - some more resolutely than others. Here are some of the techniques I have used to quell pickiness in the earlier years:

1. Introduce new foods over and over and over again. I introduced my babies probably 20-30 times to the same food (at 20-30 different meals) when there was one they refused. I did not push, but I did not let early refusal mean much.

2. Put only 3 bits of the undesired food on a plate, and then ask them to eat "just two."
3. Take it slow! Place that tiny piece of lettuce on the plate every day at first. Don't require them to eat it, but let them become accustomed to it being there. After a while ask that they just touch it to their tongue (make it a game you play too, even!). After several days of that, ask them to chew up one bite. Nice and slow progression. I use this with veggies, because I see a healthy appetite for veggies as a life-long grow-into-it thing. I want them to actually develop a taste for them, not just "eat them cuz they have to" habit.
4. Offer only healthy options for all meals and snacks so that no matter what they fill up on, you are pleased with it (they did not leave the table with a tummy full of buttered bread).
5. Put only one to two pieces of the food you know they enjoy, plus one or two pieces of the less desired food on their plate. If they ask for seconds of their desired food you can say, "sure, after you eat your chicken you can have another strawberry!"
6. Remember preschooler's tummies fill fast so keep portions really small. If given a plate of food that looks like a ton to them, they will feel quickly overwhelmed. Hopelessness will set in ("I will NEVER be able to eat all this") and they will have a tendency to not even try.
7. Rather than forcing a child to eat something they don't want to eat, give the control over to them saying something like, "No sweetie, you don't have to eat your chicken, but everyone who DOES eat their chicken get to enjoy ice cream for dessert," or "If you want another handful of grapes you can have that, but you need to eat another handful of chicken first. Let me know what you decide."
8. Remember that resolving picky appetites is more like running a marathon. Don't think it will resolve itself in a month. Several months of introduction and reintroduction. Lots and lots of food and phrase repetition.
9. I have chosen to not offer milk at meals. If you do, limit milk to 1-2 Tbsp. After that, its water, baby! (We live in a culture that is habitually dehydrated anyway, so you could look at giving them a thirst for water as a gift not a punishment). The goal with limiting milk intake: nutrition comes from food not drink.
10. Keep snacks between meals healthy and small: 3 carrot sticks or apple slices with water or two crackers.
11. Cut a plate of veggies up before preparing dinner so that when your little ones come nosing around the kitchen looking for something to eat, you have something good to offer them (you would be amazed at what a hungry child is willing to eat when he is truly hungry!). I know one mom who has a veggie-loving, meat-detesting child so maybe a better option for her would be to always have come slices of cold well-seasoned strips of chicken out for this purpose instead.
12. Toddlers are by nature snackers so often times there are no big meals. When they eat like birds, remember its quality not quantity. If all they are going to eat is a few bites here and there, don't offer fishy crackers, you know!?
13. Suppress the temptation to feed convenience foods. You are developing their palate - develop it to prefer healthy, non-processed foods. (Think chicken breasts cut into strips and broiled, rather than breaded chicken nuggets.)

The one pervading thought I have had in my head is this: I did not run into many picky eaters when I visited a Mexican orphanage. It is a lavish thing to be picky, you know? We don't need to be frustrated at our children for becoming picky, but we do them a tremendous service when we subdue it where we can.

15 Parenting Tips I Give Myself: Nurture Independence

Tip #10
Nurture independence as much as possible.

As much as I can't wait for my kids to relying upon me less, I catch myself all-too-often shooting myself in the foot, not allowing them to make steps in that direction. They want to try to buckle themselves in their booster but I am in too much of a hurry and do it for them. They want to get themselves a drink of water but I don't want to clean up a water spill so I get it for them. They want to use the apple slicer to cut their own apple but I already know they cannot possibly succeed so I find myself struggling to let them just try before I insist we do it together.

Obviously, taking the time to allow the kids to try things is well worth the time. It would be ridiculous to say otherwise but if that is the case, why do I find I must convince myself of this over and over again? It requires me to slow down, be patient, and watch them struggle even to the point of frustration. That is no small task!

My husband challenged me on this topic earlier this year. He did not appreciate how much the kids expected of me and did not like the way they were treating me (I had not noticed... too busy pouring water and slicing apples, I guess). He made the point that we are raising men and that men need to be given the chance to figure things out, to struggle some, and to ultimately become independent of me. So I took his advice to heart and have been focusing on NOT DOING THINGS FOR MY KIDS THAT THEY THEMSELVES CAN DO. In addition, when I hear them subtly asking for my help without actually asking - like for instance complaining that "I'm thirsty!" rather than asking politely for a drink of water - I use that as another opportunity to nurture independence by asking "How are you going to solve this problem?"

I love putting the thinking back on them. And I love that they are catching on that they are good problem solvers and that there are lots of things they don't actually need me for!