Parenting Tips Interrupted

It strikes me as ironic that of the 15 parenting tips I have penciled out to add to this blog, none of them is particularly helpful to the parenting situation I find myself in right now. One of my children who honestly has not caused me much grief throughout his life is, well, causing me grief.

I better come clean: I am causing him an equal amount of grief, I think. Okay, more grief.

His sudden scatter-brained mind has turned my responsible child into Mr. Unreliable. This ordinarily obedient one is pushing limits - not direct defiance, just delaying or being silly a moment too long or not attending to my voice. The one child that I count on to NOT need much discipline now needs guidance of some sort or another. Further complicating matters are the struggles he is having with homework. He toils over that dumb weekly packet! His attempts at perfectionism drag homework out sooooo long. He has come to that place in his education where he has concluded that school is not actually fun but rather is just a bunch of hard work. And all I can think to do is raise my voice or tell him to hurry or lecture, lecture, lecture!

All that to say, I am clueless. Clueless and frustrated. And at the end of the day, I know two things: first, I know that if I continue in the way I am behaving toward him it will be certain disaster for his heart and our relationship. The second thing I know is that I don't know what to do instead.

And so this interruption in Parenting Tips is an admission. I don't know what I am doing any more than anyone else does. I have learned a boat load about parenting all along this journey but its the tip of an iceberg, a drop in the bucket. When it comes to days like today (and yesterday, and the day before), I end the day with a pit in my stomach knowing that I messed up again. Even worse, I knew better and lost my self-control anyway. I do what I do not want to do and don't do what I ought. At the end of the day I want to wake my sunny little boy up and ask for forgiveness just one more time. At the end of the day I am begging my Savior for forgiveness and wisdom and strength.

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. (1John 1:9)

Purify me from this unrighteousness! Please, Lord. Please. Give me a heart like Yours. Give me a gracious spirit. Fill my mind with Your creativity as I encounter these situations over and over again. Be merciful to our family in this season.

An Autumn Hope Check

Hope is the most powerful force we can nurture in our children. It is one of the deepest needs a human has: the need for hope. Without hope comes hopelessness - a terrible state of being. What do kids hope for? Small things like "someday I might have that special toy" and medium things like "I have hope that I am smart enough to do my schoolwork" and big things like "I have hope that my parents cherish me."

Periodically I try to do a "Hope Check" for each of my kids. Am I nurturing hope in their lives? Or am I contributing to a sense of hopelessness in their soul? As a parent I am either doing one or the other. I have yet to be convinced that this is an area in which a parent can be neutral.

Without Further Adue, here is my Hope Check

Drake, 1.5 years old, tries with all his might to communicate, but it is a struggle for him to be heard and understood. I can nurture hope in Drake by taking extra time with him, saying aloud what i think he is communicating; mimicking his great enthusiasm, frustration, or other driving emotion.

Pray: that he would use his mouth to one day proclaim the gospel from the mountaintops!
 

Weston, 3.5 years old, often finds himself creating strife with Drake. Drake is hard to play with and has become quite good at provoking Weston. While Drake is in this phase of life, being difficult to play with, I can nurture hope in Weston by taking his side, even when he did have some blame in a sibling conflict with Drake. I can be quick to come to his rescue, and I can be careful to not leave Drake unattended with Weston. I can be quick to praise him for little strides toward kindness, generosity and maturity.
Pray: that the Lord would cause him to be a gifted peacemaker.

Jackson, 6 years old, lives in a good place right now. His love tank is full of soccer and PE. He loves school. He loves playing with each of his brothers. In this season of great hope I can nurture our relationship. I can use this quiet season to deepen our bond by being patient as he explains his world to me (I usually don't catch it on the first telling), and look him in the eyes more, and smile at him more, and kiss him more. What great hope that will bring to both of us as we see our mother-son relationship deepen!

Pray: that he would grow in his relationship with his Heavenly Parent.

Davis, age 9, has brought homework home - and tears to go along with it. His perfectionistic tendancies drag him down as he struggles to make sure every single letter in cursive is just right. He searches for perfect word after perfect word in writing a fiction story. He quickly panics when spelling lists feel too challenging. He is sad when homework assignments prevent him from joining in playtime with his brothers. I have been nurturing hope in his little heart by encouraging him to NOT write every cursive letter so carefully, and talking about how its OKAY to miss a spelling word. No one is looking for perfect... I can also breath hope into him right now by helping him to gain perspective on school life: that the work load won't always feel overwhelming.

 Pray: that Davis would experience God's grace on his life at an early age.

Too Much, Too Fast

Some days I wake up and I feel like I've fallen behind before my feet hit the floor. Like I hit the snooze button one too many times and I've missed the window for my shower, and the whole day is shot. I will never catch up. The kids argue with each other and I don't know how I will handle the conflict -- but no sense dealing with that one, because another one is fast on its heels. And the picky-eater-teething-feverish-toddler won't eat the oatmeal I had prepared but before I have time to think about what my next move is, he has thrown the bowl on the floor and now I have to clean before I feed. And the toddler is still hungry but now he is crying because I won't let him eat the sticky oatmeal off the floor (he has changed his mind about his meal preference) not because I have a huge issue about floor eating but because I can't remember the last time I mopped.

My sister calls it "defensive parenting" - when all you can do is react (usually poorly) to every situation that comes your way. There is no anticipating what your child will do or say next and so there is no proactive plan of attack hanging out in the wings.

Say I plan a trip to the library. I know the usual battles that will come up. And if I don't plan for them by talking the kids through them, the trip is exhausting and not one I am excited about doing again soon.

My battles: getting both big boys to stay with me while I walk - hands full of books and a squirming baby - from the car to the library doors; who is going to push the outside handicap door button - and who will push the inside door button; will the kids play computer this time?; will we actually read books there or just grab and go? And my personal favorite: controlling the kids while I am unloading and re-loading books into our library bin while the nice library-lady is scanning all 800 books we couldn't live without.

On my reactive parenting days, while we are waiting for the books to all be scanned, I am asking Jackson for the fourth time to not climb up the metal detectors, and then I am craning my neck to see if Davis is still getting a drink of water near the outside doors where 756 suspicous strangers have just entered and exited the library, all the while holding a baby that is fighting with all his might to hold a book firmly between his slobbery lips (right in from of the library police!), and that same Official is calmly reminding me of the 4 books that still have fines on them, "Looks like you have $1.85 in library fines... would you like to take care of that today?" Yeah. I would. Let me just pull that third arm out of my back pocket so that I can get that for you real quick.

Yes, I love feeling like one of "those moms." Its heartwarming to receive the sideways glances from unsympathetic grown-ups that scream, "Get CONTROL of those monsters!"

But in all fairness, a little fore-thought (and perhaps one less bop of the snooze alarm) could have prevented the whole scene. I know Jackson will climb up the metal detectors (why do they make them to look like a jungle gym anyway?), and Davis is always parched when we walk up to that desk. I know the definition of insanity, so I should instead try something new, hoping for a new result... "Ok boys. When we get up to the desk, I want you to sit with your backs to the desk wall and with your hands on your lap. Got it?"

There is really nothing profound about this example but the idea of parenting proactively is actually quite profound. It takes mental energy and prayer for divine wisdom to do it well. It requires sitting up and taking notice at the parenting situations you find yourself in and asking questions of it.
What will I say next time he does this?
What was his motivation when he did it?
What attitude was in his heart?

Is the behavior disobedient or just annoying?
What would the Bible term this kind of disobedience?
And when I figure out what behavior they should "put off", what behavior can I encourage them to "put on?"

Who considers these things, in the heat of the moment and instantly has solid answers? Very few. Certainly not THIS parent. But God has very clear instructions to believers, that we must ask for wisdom and when we do, He delights to give it to us (we hear the delight in the written prayers of Paul):

Ephesians 1:15-17
15 For this reason I too, having heard of the faith in the Lord Jesus which exists among you and your love for all the saints, 16 do not cease giving thanks for you, while making mention of you in my prayers; 17 that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give to you a spirit of wisdom and of revelation in the knowledge of Him.

Colossians 1:9-11
9 For this reason also, since the day we heard of it, we have not ceased to pray for you and to ask that you may be filled with the knowledge of His will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, 10 so that you will walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, to please Him in all respects, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God; 11 strengthened with all power, according to His glorious might, for the attaining of all steadfastness and patience...

So in light of how much the Lord loves to give us wisdom and knowledge of Him, and considering how godly a task it is to raise God-fearing children, allow me to encourage you today to take a moment to sit at the feet of our Lord and asking Him for wisdom and knowledge for how to handle all your parenting situations. He will delight to answer such prayers.

Big Question from a Little Heart

"What is better, Mommy? Learning about God or preaching about God?"

You can imagine the wonderful conversation that ensued. Oh Lord, give me wisdom to answer questions in a way that causes my kids to ever increase their thirst for you. And THANK YOU for my boys.

With My Body, I Thee Worship

I wrote this article a couple of years ago, while I was part of a young mom's leadership team. I needed to put it in front of my eyes again as an encouragement. Perhaps this will be a source of encouragement for you as well.

Quiet times are elusive. Have you noticed? I get up in the morning early. One child wakes early. I try it again the next day a little earlier and the other one wakes up. The next day I bag it, opting for thirty additional minutes of snooze alarm sleep. The following day I give it another shot, since the day I slept in the kids slept in too. The kids stay asleep this time, but my husband asks me to make him a lunch before he leaves and another quiet time opportunity is lost. The next morning I resolve that NO MATTER WHAT, I am getting that time in, so I sit in that chair by that window and try my best to sit with and worship God. All the while, anger is boiling up because in the background I hear my youngest calling out for me. Arrrrg! And as I continue to ignore it (teeth clenched), I find I am spending all my time "ignoring," and no time with the Lord.

I long to sit at my Lord’s feet and just listen and talk to Him. Gather my thoughts; focus my efforts for the day; worship Him. But it seems I am thwarted day after day. And this has been going on for four years –my entire mommyhood. I have had seasons inside these past four years where it has been easier to sit quietly, read my Bible and pray for the wisdom I will need to get through the day. And I have had seasons when it felt impossible. But a new phase – make that a new phrase – has entered my world.

With my body, I Thee worship.

When I first heard it, I imagined the act of raising my hands, closing my eyes and swaying to some perfectly beautiful stanza depicting the character traits of God. Ah, this must be what worshipping with my body is. But the Lord has taken me on a deeper journey.

He whispered to me one (interrupted) morning, “Here is how I want you to worship me today: smile at, snuggle and nurse your up-too-early son. Worship me with your body today.” I walked upstairs with a smile on my face at the thought of the task at hand, all the while thinking can it really be so? Is it legal, Lord, to call such a thing a ‘quiet time?’ Yes, I think it is: I am coming to see that when I wake up early for that coveted quiet moment with my Lord and one of my kids interrupts or circumvents it altogether, that I have actually been given a new opportunity to worship. With my body, I Thee worship.

And after that morning, my eyes were opened. I wake each morning with the intention of sitting with my Bible, and some mornings I do. But other mornings, I am making a lunch for my husband. Last week I was sitting down, taking notes as my husband listed off all the things he needed my help on that day. And this morning I poured a cup of milk and let my 19-month-old son push the microwave buttons to warm it up. And as I do this – with the freedom of knowing that the Lord accepts this form of worship from me – I have joy in my heart. Because with my body I Thee worship.

It is saying to the Lord, I give You my every movement – the act of pulling my eyelids open and rising early; the stretching down with my arms and back to pick my son up out of his crib; or careful assembly of a turkey-and-cheese with a genuine smile on my lips and a peace in my heart. I give You each of these movements and lift them up to You as an act of worship, to glorify You. And continue to teach me how with my body I Thee worship.

Coppin' a 'Tude

Do you have a child that gives you a run for your money? I do. He was the kind of kid that when you gave him the choice, "Are you going to obey or disobey?" he would look you in the eye and say, "disobey." I could not believe that he would rather have a spanking than submit his will to me. I was encouraged that, after a year, his answer started to (ocassionally) be "obey."

But today I am a little overwhelmed by the 'tude he sports. Mostly he dishes it out when he is angry or frustrated. He crosses his little arms, gives a hard-eye look and hollars, "Well ok then, I'm NEVER gonna DO it!" Most of the time the sentence does not even make sense in the context, but in his little mind I think it makes perfect sense. The second option in his "I'm frustrated and AN-GRRR-Y" arsenol is to flop down on the floor screaming and crying like the two-year-old he no longer is. And the screams can last a long time, and he is so noisy that you can't reason with him or even ask him what the problem is. He can't hear you and you can't understand him.

I am honestly beside myself. I fast-forward to the teen years and shake in my boots. I sat alone in my car today, praying for the Lord's wisdom with this little guy. That is the very best place to go. I know the Lord will give me wisdom (enough for each day, but perhaps not a fraction more).

I am just not sure how to even help him through the frustration. Because, I know that the feeling of anger is legitimate, and you can't ask kids to stop feeling a certain way (heck, you can't ask adults!). A feeling is a feeling and you can't stop them or start them. They just exist. It is what YOU DO with the feelings that can glorify or grieve The Father.

So how do you teach a kid how to get from anger and frustration to calm response? Do you let them scream it out in their bedroom until the anger is used up or exhaustion hits? Do you get angry back (duh, no)? I have tried whispering until he is interested enough in my words to quiet down enough so we can talk. I have tried walking out of the room until he quiets down (ticks him off more and prolongs the event significantly). I have tried tickling him until he can't be angry anymore. I have tried spanking him. I have tried time-outs. I have tried... so many things.

I think I have come to the conclusion that I need to understand how anger and frustration works inside a person, and how a person who loves the Lord can bring himself down from the anger in a godly way. I need some help so I can teach my little guy some coping mechanisms for these intense responses. Any thoughts? Any resources?

You, oh Father, know my little guy better than anyone else. He is Your 'masterpiece, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which You have set aside for him to do.' Give me wisdom and strength to nurture in my little guy a passion for You. Teach me to be a better parent for him. Show me my failures and successes so that I can be clear-hearted and clear-headed with him. Thank you for allowing me to parent him. Help me to lean every day on You, the perfect parent, rather than on myself.

Bestest Friends

There are some things that really must not go unnoticed. Like, for example, how God has faithfully answered my prayer that Davis and Jackson would be the best of friends.

I cannot say they never argue, but I can say that it is a weekly, not daily or hourly occurrence. They play nearly all day together without incident. I am so thankful for the friendship these two have thus far in their little lives, and I pray that Weston is included in this blessing and that it continues "foreverly-long" into adulthood.

Lest you think too much of me or Ryan and our ability to parent, I think it has mostly to do with prayer, some to do with personality, and only a touch to do with parenting.

But I was wondering what you have done to foster friendship between your kids? One intentional thing I did starting when Jackson was about 12 months and ending when he was about 2 1/2 (you know, that period of time when kids are difficult to play with because they don't understand - or are not well-versed in - concepts such as and sharing and "don't knock down brothers blocks," and "don't intentionally or unintentionally destroy the train track brother just built," and so on, was do my best to protect Davis and Jackson from each other. While Jackson was still learning, I was careful to not expect too much of Davis. (Ah ha, let me explain...)

Imagine folding an entire week's worth of laundry, only to have your toddler come over and find it a fun game to throw it all over the room. And then imagine that happening everyday, several times a day for about 18 months. (You might not have to do too much imagining here!) Anyway, I thought it was asking too much of Davis to constantly put him in this position. (Heck, it was almost too much to ask ME to be in that situation.) So I rescued Davis from little brother, with the express intention of preserving their relationship. I knew that the season of (mostly unintentional) destruction would not last forever, and that if I could prevent the resentment that would likely build, it would pay off.

A note on training: With my sweet Jackson, he gave me PLENTY and NUMEROUS opportunities to train him in obedience, so I chose not to pick this as a battle, because my higher goal there was to preserve a precious friendship.

Now at six years old, Davis is well able to handle the frustrations of playing next to little Weston Drake (who is approaching one). He has skills to think through how he could play differently since brother is there, he knows all about moving to a new place to play the same thing, and he knows how to put his own desires aside for the sake of someone else's. Jackson, however, is still learning these skills so I have began to do the same thing for Jackson & Weston's relationship.

Jackson is a bit more of a firecracker, so I have had to employ some additional training tools, like setting the timer for "Weston playtime," where Jackson can learn to play a little longer each week next to/with Weston, sharing his beloved cars with him and patiently showing him how to play too. Jackson is so much more willing to share those cars if he knows there is an end in sight. And when that timer dings, I swoop in and preserve that relationship, rewarding Jackson for his kindness and patience, and preventing Weston from getting knocked in the head with a metal double-decker Matchbox bus.

I pray that this preserves their relationship so that when both boys are a little older, they will be free to play and play and play together, like bestest friend brothers. Just like Davis and Jackson.